PrisonerOfPrey

This poem has no meaning,
it slips through the minds fingers,
elusive, without acknowledgment.
few words and little triggers
catch the interest, to reflect light
on thousands dimmed thought.

Intelligence flounders,
unable to replicate passion.
cleverness falls upon clogged ears
that refuse to listen.
the sound of truth rings sharp,
in a mind too dull to hear.

People listen, like the dead
unresponsive brains underfed
gray matter functions with simple ease
neurons flash, without cause
reading poetry to wasting Zombies
the effect, of the masses.

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

Zar

I really liked this one, it has very interesting message and a nice beat. However, you have two instances with rhyme, unless you want to stick to a rhyme scheme, it is best to get rid of them; it throws the flow off.

__________________
Which is worse? To live without living or to die without dying?

CMM_Kaleido

I like where you are going with this but it doesn't quite get there. The metaphors and emotions are a little too straightforward and literal maybe?

"Intelligence flounders," "cleverness falls," too plainly stated? Stating the emotion/action not describing it?

Were you feeling particularly surrounded by dunces when you were inspired to write this? I am not sure if you are telling us about your difficulty writing a "good" poem or that your audience is too dense to understand your work. If it's a little of both, then your themes are fighting each other.

In any case, this dense member of the audience is going to read this piece a couple more times and come back to it.

PrisonerOfPrey

Thank you Zar, I'm not sure what i'll do with the rhyme. I wrote it as it flowed to me, therefore it's hard to delete. And yet, trying to make it conform to a rhyme scheme could make it forced and not pleasant whatsoever.

CMM, Your right about the plainly statedness of this. I find I often write like this, and lots of times I like it that way. I wrote this and the entire time a poem a read in the ninth grade kept coming to me. Something like "this poem is eating you, your legs, etc" I don't really remember it, I do remember at the time I didn't like it. Funny, don't you think.

to tell you the truth my poem is reflecting more on how as a whole society doesn't appreciate poetry. If you just walk up to random member of society and ask them to tell you what a poem means, no matter how plainly stated, they pick the wrong image to focus on. Do you think my poem is ineffective, seeing as I wasn't able to convey my image to you? Thank you CMM, I always look forward to your reviews.

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

CMM_Kaleido

That sounds like a question for the discussion area. How important is meaning? If the reader doesn't get the writer's original intention did the writer fail? I would say no. Personally, I don't care what meaning people apply to my work as long as something hits them on some level of emotional recognition. If that doesn't happen then I failed. It would be interesting to see where other people stand on this.

If you added a bit of clarification at the beginning, that the mind in question was minds of the many and not yours during creation, my confusion about the two themes would be cleared up.

Edit: I started a thread about meaning in the poetry discussion area: http://www.writingforums.com/poetic-...t-meaning.html

Starby

I liked it. I can relate to its frustrations and desire to reach an audience that perhaps don't recognise poetry. From the first couple of lines I could sense the emotion and frustration, so from that point of view I thought it worked really well. I tend to look for emotion in what I read first and foremost -I have to relate to it on some level otherwise it doesn't work for me. It could be the most fantastic work of art but if it doesn't resonate with me then it's lost on me.

__________________
Even beautiful flowers have to grow through dirt

PrisonerOfPrey

CMM, I tried to fix it, but i'm afraid it may look like a slapped on job. Read it and tell me if it works for you?

Starby, Thank you very much for your comments, I appreciate that you took the time to read and related to my poem

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

dannyboy

S1 L6 is this missing something? of and thoughts?

the last S I find clunky - from like, to the last line, it just gets tangles in upon itself. We all use like but where we can a metaphor is always preferable (they are closer in 'like' so close they do not need the 'like' pointer and so work better).

With the Rhymes - if it bothers you (having one or two but not a scheme) and it sometimes bothers me (the ones in this poem didn't) then I make sure they are not end line rhymes.

Some good work, need an edit for clarity.

dannyboy

S1 L6 is this missing something? of and thoughts?

the last S I find clunky - from like, to the last line, it just gets tangles in upon itself. We all use like but where we can a metaphor is always preferable (they are closer in 'like' so close they do not need the 'like' pointer and so work better).

With the Rhymes - if it bothers you (having one or two but not a scheme) and it sometimes bothers me (the ones in this poem didn't) then I make sure they are not end line rhymes.

Some good work, need an edit for clarity.

PrisonerOfPrey

Thank you dannyboy. The last line of stanza one was originally "on dimming thought" however I tried to clarify that I meant a multitude of people. As for the last stanza I will think about it, I like it as is, but i'm sure it would benefit with some reworking. I will keep your advice in mind when I come back to this piece. I appreciate your thoughts, as ever.

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

Pete_C

For me, the final two stanzas have a bit of content duplication (clogged ears /
that refuse to listen). Okay, you could argue that clogged and refuse are two different states, but for me it's the not hearing that's important, and it arrives twice. There are a few of these.

The first stanza sets a tone that the rest doesn't quite follow, in terms of flow or image, so could benefit from a tad more tweaking.

PrisonerOfPrey

Thank you. Pete, you mentioned it's not the hearing thats important. What is? Thank you for reading, I will take your suggestions into consideration. Please clarify though, what you think I should put more emphasis on.

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me