CMM_Kaleido

New version

Faces converse
through take-out, guiding words
around egg shells,
as babies squeal; hands
share first lo mein
with giddy toddlers; eyes avert;
Nana sits
at the head of the table
glass-blue eyes ready
to break.

Family gathered to food,
bedrock of Nana's role, now
points a bony finger
at the one who's been removed.

"Grampa made that table for them,"
a widow's plea:
He's still here.

Forks stop pushing string beans,
serving spoons settle
into sauce, fingers plunge
through soapy prisms, circle
dish edges once, twice,
once again; cheeks rise
through ache, focus smiles
and glistening eyes
on humming babies.

"Nana, can I fix your plate?
Salad? Dressing's good,
little strong–"

Glass-blue greys,
"I won't be kissing anyone tonight."

Arms reach across, pass plates,
napkins, bundled bibs,
none around
shoulders cold
after half a century
of embrace.




Original

The rest of us seem normal,
eating dinner, playing with children,
Nana sits
at the head of the table
glass-blue eyes ready
to break,
interjecting memories
of Grampa, as they hit her.
A pause ensues, then noise
resumes.
She sits alone,
in a sea of continuation.

ash somers

awww, that made my heart strings go twang, very moving, for a short piece

Sweets America

Yeah, I like that quite a lot too. The 'sea of continuation' sounds good.

PrisonerOfPrey

The first two lines strike me as a little weak. It's just not as strong as the rest of your poem. Try and find some stronger imagery here. Maybe even just changing seem to appear would help. Maybe add an adjective or two in the second line? "eating cold dinner, playing with loud children" Just something to think about.

I really liked these other images,
Beautiful, and I understood the intent easily. Not an image, but nice nonetheless. I like the way it feels almost like an onamontapea (sry for the spelling) Very affective.

This was beautiful CMM, and is it just me or is it slightly longer than your other works?

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

CMM_Kaleido

Sweets and Ash, thank you for taking the time to read and comment.

PoP, Good call. You have spotted my return to laziness. Thank you for calling me out on it. I am writing through a road block; needed some prodding.

How about:

Hands and faces
eat take-out, laugh
with squealing babies,
share first lo mein
with giddy toddlers.
Nana sits
at the head of the table
glass-blue eyes ready
to break,
interjects memories
of Grampa,
as they hit her.
A pause ensues, then noise
resumes.
She sits alone,
in a sea of continuation.


Length is going back and forth. Think you missed a longer piece a while back. Spring break, maybe?

Thanks again PoP. Perceptive as always.

PrisonerOfPrey

Yeah, I found I couldn't write during spring break so I put a pause in my forum activities.

I think your rewrite is good, I really enjoyed the image of "first lo mein" lol. But I don't think it flows as well as the original. Something in between the two would be perfect. However, it is really good for what it is, I just prefer less choppy pieces. I know some would disagree.

For all your complaints of writers block, everything i've seen has been good. You don't give yourself enough credit CMM.

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

CMM_Kaleido

Thank you for the note on the flow. I agree. First lines are always the toughest for me. I usually start with the conclusion.

Another go (I'll keep playing with it):

Hands and faces
eat take-out, laugh with squealing babies,
share first lo mein
with giddy toddlers, while
Nana sits
at the head of the table
glass-blue eyes ready
to break,
interjects memories
of Grampa,
as they hit her.
A pause ensues, then noise
resumes.
She sits alone,
in a sea of continuation.

Thanks again for pushing me in a more personal and visual direction for the open, PoP.
(. . .and thanks for the compliment, you are too kind.)

PrisonerOfPrey

Thats much better CMM (should I start calling you Kaleido?) I think I flows much better. And lol, now I have another thing I think you could improve on. Your first line "hands and faces" It brings an image...but it's an extremely weird one. (You really don't want to know) Also, in your first draft the reader understood that the merriment was for show, that they too, were affected by trauma. I think it lends a deeper meaning to the poem, and the loss is too great to ignore.

I am never too kind Kaleido, I reserve compliments. I'm glad I'm helping. Maybe I am 'helping' too much?

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

CMM_Kaleido

No way. Always welcome (and necessary).

Again you're right about the loss of the seems aspect of the open. I am trying to figure out how to work it back in. The hands and faces image will probably change when I figure something out.

As for the SN, whatever is fastest to type. I've gone with Kaleidoscope elsewhere, so shorten however you like. Did you know you would turn into PoP?

(CMM is a communication theory reference that doesn't apply so much in poetry forums as it did elsewhere.)

Mirror

Kaleido -

I like the revised version - nice setting: the 'camera' pivots around a stable axis. I think you have the germ of an idea that can be shaped into a longer poem - one with more attention to detail.

A few suggestions:

interjects memories
of Grampa,
as they hit her.

^ I would take the time to describe the memories - or else select a particular memory and concentrate on it. Another option: what prompts these memories? You might want to write about that.


A pause ensues, then noise
resumes.

^ This bit lapses into telling. Again, make the transition palpable through imagery and/or metaphors.


She sits alone,
in a sea of continuation.

^ See suggestion above. The ending would be much more effective, if you were to show Nana's alienation.


*
Nana sits
at the head of the table (Perhaps a semicolon to discern between the thought expressed in this verse and the one in the subsequent verse? Indentation of the line would work, as well, but that would entail adjusting the format.)
glass-blue eyes ready
to break,

^ Enjoyed the glass-blue eyes image - more moments like this.

Best,
Mirror

__________________
Where the barmen have their names etched in salt; earthy and honest like their fathers. -- MisterJack

CMM_Kaleido

Thank you so much Mirror! I see now that a strong dose of objectivity was needed on this one. You are so right about what caused the "waves" (as she called them). Each was brought about by a small point in conversation or just seeing the kids laughing, seemingly unobserved by their great-grandfather. I think I will start there.

I have taken all of your suggestions to heart and will dive back in. Greatly appreciate your help on this.

kmrc

MisterJack

Just been sitting back and watching this progress.
I like the idea very much. I agree that there needs to be more showing of events. Also agree with Mirror on bringing some specific memories into play, not many, just fleeting.
The ending also, needs an 'empty chair' style moment I think. Make the reader feel the loneliness, solitude.

I'll keep checking back to see how this comes along.

Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

--------------

ShabookiSkittles

Short, sweet, and emotional. The first 2 lines didn't really draw my attention all that well but does anyone have an attention span too short to read a 12 line poem all of the way through? The revised one had a much better introduction. Muy bueno!

CMM_Kaleido

I have posted a new version above. It may need tightening, but I am much happier with where it is going. I have difficulty distinguishing between "showing" and "telling."

Do I now have too much "food and forks" imagery? I may have swamped the piece with little images that don't move the picture or "show" effectively.

PoP and Mirror, thanks so much for pushing me. I hope I have incorporated all of your suggestions.

Jack, thanks for taking the time. Appreciate your advice. Have I managed the empty chair?

ShabookiSkittles, thank you for taking the time to read and comment. The new version is significantly longer, so I hope the open is engaging enough to hold your attention.

PrisonerOfPrey

My immediate thoughts are that you will need to trip off some of the food bit. It seems more about the dinner than nana's feelings. The important think to remember is that you need to use the same edit style in long pieces as short ones. Give me a moment and i'll come back to it. (have I ever mentioned how much I love it when you critique my work? You were one of the firsts on my first thread, lol.)

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me