Today - Page 2 - Writers Forum

PrisonerOfPrey · 04-07-2008, 04:30 PM

Anything in blue is what I feel is unnecessary.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CMM_Kaleido

New version

Faces converse
through take-out, guiding words
around egg shells,nice.
amid squealing babies, hands
share first lo mein
with giddy toddlers, eyes dart away,
Nana sits
at the head of the table
glass-blue eyes ready
to break.

Family gathered to food,
bedrock of Nana's role, now
points a bony finger
at the one who's been removed.

"Grampa made that table for them,"
a widow's plea:
He's still here. I think this needs to be tied in better to the above stanza.

Forks stop pushing string beans,
serving spoons settle
into sauce, fingers plunge
through soapy prisms, circle
dish edges once, twice,
once again; cheeks rise
through ache, focus smiles
and glistening eyes
on humming babies. Very good, I love this imagery, the emotion.
This all feels too rushed to me. Maybe trim or divide into two stanzas? Oh! upon a third reading I see that...wait. I think this means dinner is over, she is washing dishes. Then below, they are eating. hmm?

"Nana, can I fix your plate?
Salad? Dressing's good,
little strong–"Love this, the dialog adds a lot to the piece. It shows the families love, but also their hesitation.

Glass-blue greys,
"I won't be kissing anyone tonight." I'm just unsure of this. But maybe it's just the thought of a 70 year old kissing in bed.

Arms reach across, pass plates, add more like this
napkins, bundled bibs,
none around
shoulders cold
after half a century of embrace. I think this could be divided into two. The last two lines deserve more spotlight. (really good btw)

What i'm noticing is a confusion in the order. At the beginning all are eating. Than Nana says something. Spoons settle, she washes dishes (maybe) They offer to fix her a plate so she can eat.

Do you see what I mean, (I know I didn't do a very good job at explaining) Then again, it might have been on purpose in order to betray Nana's loss, and her jumbled reality.

You have some extremely strong imagery here, good job. I love some of the phrases you've coined, absolutely brilliant. This one still needs some work, but look how greatly it's evolved so far!

CMM_Kaleido · 04-07-2008, 07:38 PM

Thank you PoP for the very thorough review. Here is a too thorough response:

1. Faces converse
through take-out, guiding words
around egg shells,nice.
amid squealing babies, hands OK, I could take this one out (there were actually babies and toddlers)
share first lo mein
with giddy toddlers, eyes dart away, I am trying to put that "seems normal aspect back in. Doesn't work, huh?

2. "Grampa made that table for them,"
a widow's plea:
He's still here. I think this needs to be tied in better to the above stanza.
I think you're right. I had a tie-in with the bony finger metaphor but I felt like the metaphor was taking over the real so I cut it. I will re-evaluate.

3. fingers plunge
through soapy prisms, circle
dish edges once, twice,
once again; cheeks rise
through ache, focus smiles
and glistening eyes
on humming babies. Very good, I love this imagery, the emotion.
This all feels too rushed to me. Maybe trim or divide into two stanzas? Oh! upon a third reading I see that...wait. I think this means dinner is over, she is washing dishes. Then below, they are eating. hmm?

Actually dish doing and eating often happens at the same time when our whole family gets together because we eat in overlapping shifts--particularly when things are rushed and a little abnormal as they were this night. Most of us ate while Nana just watched for a while. I also thought it helped show how much we were trying to be busy with other things. But if this presents an implausibility I will move or remove the dishes bit.

4. Glass-blue greys,
"I won't be kissing anyone tonight." I'm just unsure of this. But maybe it's just the thought of a 70 year old kissing in bed.

This is what actually happened and, I'm prejudiced but my Grandmother is as beautiful as the day she was married. The statement seemed to typify her loss. You, however, may not be alone in your reaction. (I am still not sure about mentioning the salad dressing--seems a bit much, but that's the only way her line works.)

My poems only work when they comes from the real details--the stuff I make up never holds up under scrutiny. The whole poem is an actual scene. I can't seem to make myself write things that didn't happen that night. This may make me a biographer instead of a poet, but that is my purpose for this poem. (I did fudge the line about the table, that's not when she actually said it. I just can't remember what she had said at the moment I noticed her "glass-blue eyes ready to break, in a sea of continuation.")

Thanks again, PoP. I'm still working on it.

(I'm taking your advice about the last line, 2 it is.)

PrisonerOfPrey · 04-07-2008, 08:33 PM

I see now. Here is a thorough but not too thorough response to your too thorough response of my extremely thorough response! (Sorry, couldn't help it)

amid squealing babies, hands OK, I could take this one out (there were actually babies and toddlers)
You know, I think my problem with this was the execution. "through, around, and amid" are all smiler and it strains the phrase. "as" rather than amid may relieve that.

with giddy toddlers, eyes dart away, I am trying to put that "seems normal aspect back in. Doesn't work, huh?

You succeeded in the 'seems' normal. I highlighted it because I think the placement could be better. Eyes dart away seems to modify toddlers (probably not your intention) If you add one more line, or a word to tie it in, I think it will help. I also think you shouldn't have "toddlers, and eyes" in the same line. They are two different thoughts. I also think this might work better in two stanzas, it's a bit much all in one setting. The reader doesn't get the whole impact.

at the one who's been removed.,
Grampa made that table for them,"
That first line I think is confusing. How is she pointing to him, if he is gone. "them" is also undefined. Who are they? That would add lots of clarity to this section.

dish doing and eating often happens at the same time when our whole family gets together because we eat in overlapping shifts-... also thought it helped show how much we were trying to be busy with other things.

I agree that it shows the business. I don't know a lot of families that do that, but if thats how your families does, dont change it. It may benefit from just a brief line explaining the shifts though. (just a thought)

This is what actually happened and, I'm prejudiced but my Grandmother is as beautiful as the day she was married.
First of all, I believe you. (My grandmother, too is beautiful) In retrospect this could be a very touching part of the poem. But build it up more! Add a sigh, or maybe your own thoughts just before she said it. This deserves more attention, it's the spotlight. The way it is written now It's just not set up smoothly, it's even kind of thrown in there. Reflect on this, your uncertainty is holding you back.

You write beautifully CMM. I'm sorry if I offended you with my previous post, after you explained it to me (as you can see) I re-evaluated. I'm glad your able to express your feelings on such a hard time, some of the most amazing writers can't achieve that. I think perhaps if you just focus on not adding false things rather than adding everything your writing will benefit.

(I did a quick exercise today about stepping outside on a spring day, its just a huge ramble full of phrases and ideas. I'm going to go back later and turn it into several poems.. (hopefully)

Good job CMM, I can't wait to see where this goes!

CMM_Kaleido · 04-07-2008, 09:12 PM

A short response :

All of your suggestions were insightful as ever, apparently, I just needed clarification. You did not offend at all. I am not sensitive about the subject--I didn't mean to scare anyone off. I am just, as I said, working through a (writer's) roadblock due to the event.

I am taking your insight and going back to the word board for more revisions.

Thanks again, PoP!

kmrc

Edgewise · 04-07-2008, 09:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CMM_Kaleido

New version

Faces converse
through take-out, guiding words
around egg shells,
amid squealing babies, hands
share first lo mein
with giddy toddlers, eyes dart away,
Nana sits
at the head of the table
glass-blue eyes ready
to break. Bittersweet.

Family gathered to food,
bedrock of Nana's role, now
points a bony finger
at the one who's been removed.

"Grampa made that table for them,"
a widow's plea:
He's still here.

Forks stop pushing string beans,
serving spoons settle
into sauce, fingers plunge
through soapy prisms, circle
dish edges once, twice,
once again; cheeks rise
through ache, focus smiles
and glistening eyes
on humming babies. Sad.

"Nana, can I fix your plate?
Salad? Dressing's good,
little strong–"

Glass-blue greys,
"I won't be kissing anyone tonight." Very sad.

Arms reach across, pass plates,
napkins, bundled bibs,
none around
shoulders cold
after half a century of embrace. Touching.

Original

The rest of us seem normal,
eating dinner, playing with children,
Nana sits
at the head of the table
glass-blue eyes ready
to break,
interjecting memories
of Grampa, as they hit her.
A pause ensues, then noise
resumes.
She sits alone,
in a sea of continuation.

Second version is MUCH superior to the original. While the first could stand on its own, it is a bit to blunt or abrupt IMO. Like I said at the beginning, the story is, well...emotional. I could FEEL the grandmothers loss, the futility of the gestures surrounding her. Fine work Kaleido.

PrisonerOfPrey · 04-08-2008, 07:12 AM

CMM, i'm glad I was ab;e to make myself more clear. To tell you the truth, until you challenged my statments I wasn't even sure I knew exactly what I meant. I think I'm going to have to review my critique skills and be more carefull from ow on. I would feel so guilty if you had deleted the parts I mentioned. Obviously your too smart to do that, but young writers aren't always smart. I'm glad to help.

Mirror · 04-08-2008, 08:43 PM

Kaleido -

The new version: sterling.

How could it not be when the original idea was such a fine one?!

Enjoyed every line of this.

If you plan on further editing it, I would suggest reconsidering the punctuation in some places.

Nana sits
at the head of the table (Perhaps a comma or a semicolon? Or else indent the next verse? - using delineation in lieu of punctuation?)
glass-blue eyes ready
to break.

Arms reach across, pass plates,
napkins, bundled bibs, (Either a full stop or a semicolon would be more appropriate to discern this thought from the one described in the next verse.)
none around (Again, this part requires punctuation. I'd capitalize 'none' and insert a semicolon at the end of the verse.)
shoulders cold
after half a century
of embrace.

Other than that, this piece contains wonderful moments. Well done.

CMM_Kaleido · 04-08-2008, 11:16 PM

Edgewise, thanks so much for reading and commenting. I am glad to know the emotion is working and that it follows a progression--very helpful detail.

PoP, thanks again, you may notice I included some of your additional suggestions.

Mirror, thanks for checking back. Much appreciate your appraisal of the newest version. I will implement all of your recommendations and double check the rest of the punctuation.

Thanks again to everyone who helped with this piece. I am much happier with the results attained through your insightful critiques.

kmrc

ShabookiSkittles · 04-08-2008, 11:39 PM

The new version packs so much more of a punch than the original. It does a better job of evoking one's emotions and seems to tell a more complete story.

ash somers · 04-09-2008, 07:33 AM

personally i think it's becoming convoluted
i much prefer the mystery & simplicity of the original
although i do agree the opening few lines were substandard