MisterJack

removed

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If it claims to be God, eat it.

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CMM_Kaleido

Marvel stares at herself twice

But helpless monkeys always breed-
ram their fingers into their eyes

Great bits. As ever, still reading. . .

Baron

There is some great imagery here, Jack, and some really strong lines. This one seems back on track to me.

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MisterJack

Baron, thanks for the positive comments, and for taking the time to read.

CMM, as usual, take as long as you need, I look forward to anything you may have to suggest/say.



Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

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CMM_Kaleido

On the whole, I like this one. The visuals are very striking and abrupt--in a powerful way. The first stanza strikes me as the weakest. A few too many punches in the ratio of hard hits to exposition.

Just a couple of other comments:

1. "dope box people" A bit of a tongue twister for the open. The combination of the p's and b maybe? Maybe just me.

2. -these drifts of nobodies fools- nobody's or nobodies'?

3. Last stanza, "till rolls, and pockets," is there a word missing here?

4. A tiny thing I have recently burdened others with:
"a deadless horror show for victim skin-"the dash you want here and in all successive instances is the longer dash (m-dash) not a hyphen (n-dash). Some word programs will create it automatically when two hyphens are typed together but copy-paste often loses them. Two--work fine as a replacement.

As for meaning, illusion, reality vs. unreality? We're surrounded by disconnected idiots? The Marvel and helpless monkey stanzas are still my favorites. Marvel sounds like Mother Nature, but I know that's not right.

Mirror

Jack -

Enjoyed it very much, especially the third stanza, which, IMO, is the strongest.

A few suggestions:


These dope box people with TV sleeves
where beautiful children sleep;
a deadless horror show for victim skin-

^ The lines above need attention, for they appear disconcerted due to a leap in a thought that is still being developed. I would recommend transposing 'where beautiful children sleep' to the beginning of the stanza (and perhaps omit 'where' or else tweak that verse to avoid the clunky repetition, which gives the impression of a double setting.) and 'a deadless horror show for victim skin' to the end.


artists impressions and rewards

^ Missing apostrophe (artists')


-those few
who sew their eyelids closed
________________with straw-

^ You do not need 'closed' because the sewing already intimates voluntary blindness.

Other than what I noted above, this piece is excellent.

__________________
Where the barmen have their names etched in salt; earthy and honest like their fathers. -- MisterJack

MisterJack

Ok, thank you both for the suggestions so far. I have re-wroked the first stanza and before I add it to the main piece, I decided to put it here to see if it's working, first.

EDIT- changed my mind, it's in the main piece now.


I will address some of the other issues now but look forward to your comments on this revised stanza.

Thanks again

Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

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Edgewise

This reads extremely well. The last two stanzas hit the hardest, as is, perhaps, befitting of a strong K.O. conclusion.

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How can you expect a man who's warm to understand a man who's cold?
- Solzhenitsyn "Ivan Denisovich"

MisterJack

Thanks for the confirmation, Edgewise. Did you get to read the original first stanza? If so, this one an improvement??

Cheers, as always, for taking the time.


Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

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ShabookiSkittles

This was very enjoyable. I liked how references to modern day technology was incorporated into the poem. As soon as the word "Fanatics" showed up I was just drawn in to the rest of the poem. The last 2 stanzas had power.

CMM_Kaleido

First stanza works for me. Much clearer, more on par with the rest. I like the new opening line--a striking and concept loaded image. Parents over-doing everything for newborns who will grow to be really tall babies.

MisterJack

ShabookiSkittles: thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Glad you enjoyed the piece.

CMM: thank you for the confirmation of the alteration. Pleased it's working better and thank you

Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

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