"Night Terrors" - Writers Forum

PrisonerOfPrey · 04-03-2008, 06:06 PM

I added a revision! It's at the bottom, I would love it if someone would comment, thank you!

At night dreams
pour through me,
swamp my heart
in wretched green strings
of fear.

Drowning,
i breath in the lichen
grown with abstract light
that still dully bleats
in misery

The pale damp air
bleeds
grasping rejuvenation
my soul,
fights itself.

My soul.
designs
the hunter
cold searching eyes
stalk all it sees.

The beckoner
that leads me brisk away
soft dark corners
bathed in safety

Refusal.
I, am denied the right to run
and they remain.
haunt behind bloodshot eyes
even when dawn is day.

My scream sounds
silent
in my mind,
trembling eyes stay tight
i can't awake.

The images stay placid
i cant escape the terror
the hunter stalks, deaths pathway
i’m lead screaming away.

I ponder,
in the darkness of dusk
and the dust of day
I ponder.
These dreams will not away
they are how I spend my day.

I'm stuck on how to make this one better. I expanded on one of my old, bad poems and now I'm unsure how to go on. All comments are appreciated. Thank you.

Baron · 04-04-2008, 05:29 AM

Quote:

Night pours,
floods my heart
in wretched green
streams of fear.

The first stanza is the one that sticks out to me as being in need here. It opens up on a very telling line. I've played around a little to remove that and to give a consistent metaphor. For the rest, I suggest checking the punctuation and playing around a little more with the enjambment.

MisterJack · 04-04-2008, 03:12 PM

I agree with Baron, that you could cut this piece down to it's barest essentials. His example is a fine one as a template for the rest of the piece. It's a common theme and needs a short sharp shock to be more effective

Hope this helps

Jack

PrisonerOfPrey · 04-04-2008, 06:08 PM

Thank you both! I will put this back on the drawing board.

CMM_Kaleido · 04-05-2008, 09:14 PM

Just to signal an agreement with the others. . .

I like what Baron has done with S1 but. . . I thought "wretched green strings" was a striking and original image. Just a nod to your original text. Baron's word on craft holds much more weight than mine.

You need to apply the new you here and bring a sharper focus to bear.

vangoghsear · 04-06-2008, 07:39 AM

CMN has a point though. I thought the original "wretched green strings" was a good image because it made me think of a person tossing and turning only tangling themselves deeper in increasing fear of inability to escape, but Baron's rewrite works better as a unit as he wrote it, "pours - floods - streams" works better than changing the metaphor mid stream (

) to "pours - floods - strings."

Olly Buckle · 04-06-2008, 08:20 AM

Slight disagreement from this side. "Night" comes in the title, "dreams" seems the important word to keep in the first line and the "pour through me" is evocative of the helpless feeling that accompanies such dreams. Admittedly Baron's version may be better crafted, but raw originality wins out every time for my ear, I am with the green strings. Besides they make me think of the green strings of weed that drag you down ,which goes with the drowning and lichen gown of the next stanza.

CMM_Kaleido · 04-06-2008, 03:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vangoghsear

but Baron's rewrite works better as a unit as he wrote it, "pours - floods - streams" works better than changing the metaphor mid stream (

) to "pours - floods - strings."

Thank you for that bit of illumination on crafting a metaphor!

PrisonerOfPrey · 04-06-2008, 05:07 PM

How is this?

night-washed dreams
pour through me,
swamp my heart
in wretched green strings
of fear.

Drowning,
i breath in the lichen
grown with abstract light
that still dully bleats
in misery

The pale damp air
bleeds
grasping rejuvenation
my souls
civil war

My souls
master design
of the hunter
cold searching eyes
stalk all it sees.

Beckoner
leads me brisk away
soft dark corners
bathed in safety

Refusal.
denied the right to run
and they remain.
haunt behind bloodshot eyes
even when dawn is day.

My scream sounds
(silent)
in my mind,
trembling eyes stay tight
i can't awake.

The images stay placid
i cant escape the terror
the hunter stalks, deaths pathway
i am lead screaming towards.

I ponder,
in the darkness of dusk
and the dust of day
I ponder.
dreams will not away
they are how I spend my day.

CMM_Kaleido · 04-07-2008, 11:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PrisonerOfPrey

How is this?

night-washed dreams
pour through me,
swamp my heart
in wretched green strings
of fear.
Like this stanza much better. Strong flow. But I think I agree with Baron now after vangohgsear's explanation about keeping the metaphor consistent--water to water to water.

Drowning,
I breath in the lichen
grown with abstract light
that still dully bleats
in misery.
The images in this stanza are hard to latch onto. I keep going back and forth about bleats, I am not sure sound making makes a good descriptor for light (or lichen). I like the lichen. Are you purposely avoiding capitals and punctuation?

The pale damp air
bleeds Like this stress and pause on bleeds.
grasping rejuvenation,
my soul's
civil war.
Rejuvenation and civil war are not leaving me with a picture here.

My soul's
master design
of the hunter
cold searching eyes
stalk all it sees.
Not fond of the repetition of "my soul's."

Beckoner
leads me brisk away
soft dark corners
bathed in safety
Darkness is safe because this is a day terror theme? Who is beckoner?

Refusal.
denied the right to run
and they remain.
haunt behind bloodshot eyes
even when dawn is day.
Who or what is refusing? Who is they?

My scream sounds
(silent)
in my mind,
trembling eyes stay tight
i can't awake.
Like this stanza. The imagery is not very original, but for me the rhythm makes it worth it.

The images stay placid? Calm? Complacent? Not sure this fits.
i cant escape the terror
the hunter stalks, deaths pathway
i am led screaming towards. (lead to led) Towards what?

I ponder,
in the darkness of dusk
and the dust of day
I ponder. Repetition seems out of place.
dreams will not away
they are how I spend my day. Like this bit. Could it go two lines maybe?

The stanzas are still somewhat disconnected, as if they are not developing the same story. Stanzas 3, 4, 5, 6, and 8 offer aspects of bad dreams, but their similar imagery could probably be combined into one or two stanzas.

I remain a little confused. The night terrors are occurring during the day correct? Are there other details or twists that you can include that make the day terrors unique. Are they inspired by daytime events? I actually see the light in stanza two as fluorescent light and the lichen as mold in a workplace.

I would take MisterJack's advice and really cut this one back. Pick a couple strong images and build on them. How did this look before you expanded it?

PrisonerOfPrey · 04-08-2008, 07:08 AM

Like this stanza much better. Strong flow. But I think I agree with Baron now after vangohgsear's explanation about keeping the metaphor consistent--water to water to water.
I understand, but I am going to stick to the "strings" metaphor, It alludes to the next stanzas lichen.
The images in this stanza are hard to latch onto. I keep going back and forth about bleats, I am not sure sound making makes a good descriptor for light (or lichen).
I guess it's a hard one to grasp, it's like the throbbing of the dim sun. Perhaps I should change it to beats.

the hunter stalks, deaths pathway
i am led screaming towards. (lead to led) Towards what?

Does it make sense to join "deaths pathway" with both thoughts? I'm saying the hunter stalks -deaths pathway-, (I am led screaming towards)

Thank you CMM, I apprieciate your critique. I am going to review this again and take what you've said to heart.

How did this look before you expanded it?
I'll type it up and post it if you like. It's very amaturish, even to me.

PrisonerOfPrey · 04-08-2008, 06:59 PM

The original is as follows...

Nighttime dreams
taking over me
i’m lost in all the misery
of my soul
what else could have created such monsters
the hunting terrors that refuse to go away
even when morning rises on the dawn
why cant I scream?
why cant I wake up?
why does this dream feel so real?
i ponder these questions until an answer appears,
setting with the sun
these dreams will not go away,
They are how I spend my day.

Its so weird, this poem started so feeble and I have to work and revise and work and revise. Some of my other poems worked nearly completely upon first try.