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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 03-26-2008, 12:52 AM   #1
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Exclamation Delicate (R rated...sexual content)

Hey
This is a poem for my university course.
Any feedback?
CONTENT ONLY FOR MATURE AUDIENCE!!! EXPLICIT SEXUAL CONTENT
(in the copy on my computer, there are large spaces in the middle of some sentence...if you know what i mean...but it doesnt come up on here so the paragraphs may be a little scewed...)

Delicate

His body, a map of memories, marked by scars and other remnants;
years of life in a country coloured war. I rub them, try to ease them,
and replace their tainted linger.

He starts to sing, his lips like a bursting pillow, purple with a centred freckle
like a lost diamond passionfruit seed. He hushes delicate lyrics
in a private lover’s language, gentle like the wind and quiet like the sky.
He sings his prayer until I pounce my lips on his and his song, stopped, now a heavy moan.

We start to touch with fingertips rich, our skins our only clothing.
I trace his impenetrable flaws into unconditional circles, and explore his bodies’ swells.
His chest like active pasture, deep brown and soft like a summers fruit.
His eyes, darker then tree trunks, with a depth like the ocean, remind me of a sturdy hope.

He kisses me deeper, his mouth like a cave of secrets that reels me in.
He holds my body – melting like chocolate in the sun – close to his,
and I hold his head. My fingers sink into his lustrous curls
black like superstition and I’m taken, lost. I smile.

I kiss the top of his head, the tip of his nose and below his lips.
I succumb now; my head next to his, our heavy breathes thickening the air like incense. His hands under my breasts, on my breasts and then to the parts of my body that pulsate like an exhilarated heart.

Between my thighs now, and we move in beautiful movements, his coffee skin swirling in my milk white flesh. Pleasure swaying like ocean waves, passion dancing like red wine on a tipsy tongue and our bodies now dripping like candle wax. How I love to watch his face and feel the changes in his body. Our mouths are open and together and I taste myself on his perfect lips. The room now, filled with a natural aroma, and finished faces of loving giggles,
our love in a red room.

Lani
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Old 03-26-2008, 04:35 AM   #2
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Sexy.

There are things I like and things I don't like that much in this poem. I found some images perhaps too 'easy', like for instance:

Quote:
gentle like the wind and quiet like the sky
and I overall felt that there were too much 'like' which made the images not integrated enough in the poem. It sounded more like a patchwork at times. I don't know if you see what I mean.

Some images however were welcome, such as:

Quote:
His chest like active pasture, deep brown like and soft like a summer fruit
Quote:
melting like chocolate in the sun
and some others.
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Old 03-26-2008, 07:34 AM   #3
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I read this and the "like" did stick out a lot- it distracted from the poem a bit. I read it again and skipped over every like and found it much more sensuous and enjoyable. I have an fascination for steamy poetry!
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Old 03-27-2008, 02:35 PM   #4
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I think this cries out for a trim. Remove anything that doesn't add to the overall mood, and you might get closer to a good piece of work.
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Old 03-28-2008, 05:30 AM   #5
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hmmmmm yep
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