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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
03-18-2008, 02:03 AM
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#1
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Just west of the Cascade Mountains....couple miles from the pacific ocean puget sound
Gender: Male
Posts: 280
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Our Fall Our Fault?
Our Fall
Trapped and pacing, caged to die
I laugh out loud
I wonder why
I thought you made me free to soar,
to climb above it all.
Instead I’m kept inside
my mind to ponder on the fall
I see the rain, the wind swept plains
I see the clouds above
I see the sea, the mountain peaks,
Your snow white turtle dove
I know you made the ocean depths
You made the heavens too
You breathed the life I live today
If I live it for you
I’m not Adam. I’m not Eve
I never asked you why
I watch the horrors playing out,
The soldiers mothers cry
Why all this war and misery,
why all the battles rage
I ask you this, is it our fault?
Free will that wrote this page?
You left us all alone inside our
troubled twisted minds
Then gave us all of your commands
gave us these ties that bind.
How can we be free to roam,
To let our hearts unbound
When everywhere we look we see
Men lying on the ground
I guess then it comes down to this
When Adam took the fall,
he sealed the fate of all of us
To taste deaths bitter gall
(reformatted)
__________________
 " Imagine if all you ever did was kill for God. What kind of being would you be? An Angel sword dripping, your wings always dipped in blood.....Imagine."
Last edited by Gate : 04-26-2008 at 05:22 AM.
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03-18-2008, 04:29 PM
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#2
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Feb 2008
Gender: Private
Posts: 958
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I'm not huge on poetry, but I honest liked this one.
You must have written a lot of poetry in the past- theres no way this is your first.
As for the content, theres a couple of lines I think you threw in there just to keep the rhyme scheme going, but other than that, it really has a strong message. Theres NO WAY anyone would read this and -not- know how you feel on this subject, and I think thats a good thing.
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03-18-2008, 04:48 PM
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#3
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: America
Gender: Female
Posts: 464
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Hey, your formatting makes this too hard to read right now. I suggest un-bolding, changing the font size smaller and spacing it at normal. or at least double space, this is so spread out. You do that and I promise i'll give you a thorough critique because I like the subject.
__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me
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03-20-2008, 12:48 PM
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#4
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Just west of the Cascade Mountains....couple miles from the pacific ocean puget sound
Gender: Male
Posts: 280
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unfortunately I have this saved at my girlfriends house Ill have to get it e-mailed to me to change the format sorry
__________________
" Imagine if all you ever did was kill for God. What kind of being would you be? An Angel sword dripping, your wings always dipped in blood.....Imagine."
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03-20-2008, 01:57 PM
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#5
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,925
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gate7041
unfortunately I have this saved at my girlfriends house Ill have to get it e-mailed to me to change the format sorry
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You can go into advanced edit mode and edit here. |
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04-26-2008, 05:15 AM
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#6
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Just west of the Cascade Mountains....couple miles from the pacific ocean puget sound
Gender: Male
Posts: 280
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ohhhhhh yeah
__________________
" Imagine if all you ever did was kill for God. What kind of being would you be? An Angel sword dripping, your wings always dipped in blood.....Imagine."
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04-26-2008, 02:04 PM
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#7
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Dec 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 248
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Excellent. This is a great subject, the title alone caught my attention. This is one subject I was thinking about writing a poem of, though it seems you've beaten me to it, and I highly doubt I can do a better job then you did. I do however, agree with Modest Me, a few lines seemed force to keep the flow. Nice job.
__________________
"A writer without crticque, is nothing"
"The reason I love the rain, is so other's won't see the tears falling from my eyes."
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05-09-2008, 04:21 PM
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#8
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Just west of the Cascade Mountains....couple miles from the pacific ocean puget sound
Gender: Male
Posts: 280
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Thanks I havent been here since the crash so sorry if this is late
__________________
" Imagine if all you ever did was kill for God. What kind of being would you be? An Angel sword dripping, your wings always dipped in blood.....Imagine."
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05-09-2008, 05:35 PM
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#9
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: London
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,299
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There's a concentration of what you see in this. Try to share it with the reader. We only have your comment to rely on.
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