mAMBOkING

A girl named Sakura, with pink blossom hair

Would sing like the sparrow, and dance in the air

She moves through the world singing light to the sun

Bringing cool to the mist, and shade when she's done

She comes to the mountains and sings to the lake

She sits with the trees as the moon comes awake

The stars come to greet her, and the wind settles down

The earth grows up grass to keep dirt off her gown

The meadow deer listen, they watch her form sway

Like a falling white feather by the waterfalls spray

This little pink lady, this devil of dance

Brings many men under her spell and her trance

Beneath these clear waters, beside these cool fields

Lay the bodies of all the young men that she kills

Be cautious, young runner, don't go off too fast

The pink-devil's quick-witted and sharper than glass

She sings you a ballad and makes you feel good

And tells you all kinds of what can and what would

But when the spell stops, you may hear yourself shouting


As the pink devil pulls you down, singing and smiling

PrisonerOfPrey

Wooh! That twist really got me! I was falling in love with her during it, and then all of a sudden, what! Kills-? lol. You really don't like nature do you? This women is the bringer of all that beauty and then she's evil?! This makes me want to defend her, something like, "without the strength she gathers from young mens blood she cant make the sun shine lest we all die." So, yes it was a good poem. Yes, I liked it. No, I don't agree with the message.

Also, "lay the bodies..." may be a bit too long to flow. Then again, I just reread it and didn't have that problem. Your ultimate decision I suppose. (Off critique I loved the irony at the beginning. I assume you know what sakura means and if you don't then I would be out of my seat laughing right now.) back to critique. Personally I don't like that you described her as little because that goes against my natural imagination from the beginning. And I think you could cut the use of the word pink, first of all it makes me think of a pink person, second It is used too often, third it's not very imaginative. I see where your going with it though, pink being a devil. I think you could use other pink words tough. Fusia? Is that pink? Is it even a word? (If you know how to spell it help me!) IT was a very good poem overall though, good one mambo!

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

mAMBOkING

whats up, POP...thanks. glad u liked it. yeah i knew what Sakura meant- after i quickly wiki'd the definition - but no, i didn't purposely plan that bit of irony, but i'm glad it all flowed well. i disagree about the pink deal, though. theres no other color like it that gives the sense of young feminine innocence. i think something else would have made the whole thing a little duller. and its the HAIR thats pink, not the person, junkie LOL.

PrisonerOfPrey

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

Ilasir Maroa

Isn't there a character named "Sakura" with pink hair in some anime called "Naruto" or something. Cause that's what popped into my head as I read the first part of this.

The rhyme scheme wasn't consistent, which threw me off. I liked the rhymes that were in it, but the others were a bit jarring.

Also, in the last two lines, you say "when the song ends" but then in the next line, Sakura is still singing. Was that intentional? Because I don't get it.

__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com

mAMBOkING

i did not catch that, Maroa. i guess i could change the last to

as the pink devil pulls you down, sneezing and smiling....i'm a genius. seriously, i'll try something else

ash somers

the only thing that sprang to mind

after reading this, which i enjoyed, is

what if you dropped the ing from shout

then wrote the last line to fit accordingly?

and i'm fond of the little pink lady you create