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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
03-11-2008, 09:28 PM
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#1
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Just west of the Cascade Mountains....couple miles from the pacific ocean puget sound
Gender: Male
Posts: 274
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Abandon
When all seems lost
remember this my son.
Surrender isn't defeat,
not if done in the spirit of
Abandon.
Honor and courage may remain
the claim of the man who
abandons himself to destiny,
to fate and faith.
For nowhere is more courage found
then when one embraces the unknown.
And nowhere more honor
then to face that unknown
with humility and the strength
humble perseverance instills
while on the journey.
Apply the lesson of abandon
and be teachable to new truths.
Find first the peace within,
So that you may behold the joy without.
Learn life's lessons well,
so that you may impart
your measure of wisdom
on the weary traveler who trods
in your footsteps.
BTL
aka Gate
(reformatted)
__________________
 " Imagine if all you ever did was kill for God. What kind of being would you be? An Angel sword dripping, your wings always dipped in blood.....Imagine."
Last edited by Gate : 04-26-2008 at 05:30 AM.
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03-11-2008, 10:20 PM
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#2
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Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: FL, USA (lol abriv)
Gender: Male
Posts: 33
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This grabbed my attention pretty well, immediately. I liked it, it really makes you think. One thing this thing needs is a pattern, it will help make it better. There are also a few unnecessary words:
Get rid of "the" in the verse "the strong", instead put a period after strong and a "That" before "humble"; it makes it less confusing.
"Expectation is the enemy of contentment" doesn't fit in too well; add some intro to it like "Things like..." (in which case you might want to provide additional examples) or get rid of it. It throws the flow of the message off quite severely.
"Measure of" is just unnecessary and makes the last verse a bit wordy.
__________________
Which is worse? To live without living or to die without dying?
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03-12-2008, 12:03 AM
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#3
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Just west of the Cascade Mountains....couple miles from the pacific ocean puget sound
Gender: Male
Posts: 274
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Zar
thanks zar glad you liked it ...and yes good advice.....
I do tend to get wordy....lol
__________________
" Imagine if all you ever did was kill for God. What kind of being would you be? An Angel sword dripping, your wings always dipped in blood.....Imagine."
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03-24-2008, 04:23 PM
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#4
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Just west of the Cascade Mountains....couple miles from the pacific ocean puget sound
Gender: Male
Posts: 274
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Anyone else like it??
__________________
" Imagine if all you ever did was kill for God. What kind of being would you be? An Angel sword dripping, your wings always dipped in blood.....Imagine."
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03-24-2008, 04:36 PM
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#5
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Scribe
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 76
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Firstly I'd suggest not centering it - all centred poems remind me of the tacky bits of "poetry" you find in birthday cards etc, lol.
Are you looking for critique or just general reactions? |
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04-26-2008, 05:30 AM
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#6
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Just west of the Cascade Mountains....couple miles from the pacific ocean puget sound
Gender: Male
Posts: 274
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ok un birthdayed
__________________
" Imagine if all you ever did was kill for God. What kind of being would you be? An Angel sword dripping, your wings always dipped in blood.....Imagine."
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04-26-2008, 11:49 AM
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#7
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: America
Gender: Female
Posts: 458
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You need to work on the enjambment in this. Or even turn it into more than one stanza. I personally feel you should take my first suggestion.
"this" in the second line should be exed.
__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me
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04-26-2008, 01:25 PM
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#8
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Best Seller
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Britain
Gender: Male
Posts: 656
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I like the whole idea of this poem, but I don't think it was executed with confidence.
It kind of reads like a rambling drunk man to me.
__________________
"In the end it is impossible not to become what others think you are." - Julius Caesar
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