Mermaid on the breakwater

Summer’s stifling facade
rides undulating waves
to examine lovers' eyes -
coiling purples and gold
creeping towards sunrise
hunger heaven’s blood,
colours of rainbow
fearing inevitable flood -
sweet nothings, forget-me-nots
spring eternal
on summer’s wings.

Chalice filled with water
from the stream, holds
one of His flowers -
Limp as cotton bud
in freshening breeze -
in other hand
dangles Keeper’s keys
to sanctuary denied
by older, wiser men.

Lifting veil, descends,
flower wilted
with the falling son.



I had originally entered this for the poetry challenge but I've replaced it with a different one so, as a result, this is now available for discussion.

__________________
Doors 2, an anthology: http://www.lulu.com/content/3522683

PrisonerOfPrey

I enjoyed reading it although I'm not sure why exactly. It's very poetic and has an abstract feeling. I don't really know what you were writing about exactly but it left me with a feeling of peace, is that what your going for?

Not Edna

machine be understatement. ment.

__________________
Customer has not provided a valid reason for non-compliance.

Baron

I've already left comments on this one on another forum. I think it's an excellent piece of work from you. Nice symbolism and imagery. The symbolism is something that doesn't appear on this forum often enough.

__________________

MisterJack

All I can say is, I'm glad you removed this from the competition

This is a solid write, Mermaid. A grand return from Poetic exile.

Good poem

Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

--------------

Baron

I'm truly surprised that this is not getting more comments. It's an excellent piece of work in my opinion.

__________________

ash somers

i very much enjoyed
the intensity of the beginning
i feel it peters out towards the end
perhaps that's your intent, not sure *shrug*

anyway, kudos for this bit ...

fearing inevitable flood -
sweet nothings, forget-me-nots
spring eternal
on summer’s wings.

Mermaid on the breakwater

Thanks, Rob. Always a pleasure to have your input.

__________________
Doors 2, an anthology: http://www.lulu.com/content/3522683

Baron

Always glad to read new stuff from you, Doc.

__________________

J.R. MacLean

Read this a few times, and have to say it doesn't quite come together for me. The last two stanzas by themselves make an excellent poem, but I'm not feeling the connection between them and the first.

Mermaid on the breakwater

J.R. Thanks for commenting on this. I am considering your comment. At this moment in time, I am at odds in as much as the poem progresses smoothly throughout all three stanzas and the last line brings the cyclicle nature into fruition. I am thinking about what you've said, however, and by no means am I disregarding your critique. Honestly, thanks for taking the time to bring this to my attention. I'll look hard at it.

__________________
Doors 2, an anthology: http://www.lulu.com/content/3522683

CMM_Kaleido

I have no idea the meaning you intended for this piece, but as you wind through stanzas 2 and 3 I get pulled in. There is a pure simplicity in those stanzas that gets caught up in descriptions in the opening.

I did love

"Lifting veil, descends,
flower wilted
with the falling son."

As Prisoner of Prey said, it settles with a sense of peace. The brevity is so sweet.

For me with Squalor

I really like forget-me-nots, and putting them in such a good poem is a great idea
Good piece Mermaid, as Baron said symbolism, is sparse I could appreciate this piece!

__________________
"The fooling, the idleness enjoyed by the few while the majority suffered, could itself create an illusion of character and originality."
Boris Pasternak

Mermaid on the breakwater

Kaleido: Thanks very much for your comments. Appreciate that you found the poem's descriptions pleasing.

__________________
Doors 2, an anthology: http://www.lulu.com/content/3522683

Mermaid on the breakwater

Cheers, squalor, your comments are always appreciated. I am humbled you liked it enough to leave your sentiments.

__________________
Doors 2, an anthology: http://www.lulu.com/content/3522683