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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
03-10-2008, 03:22 AM
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#16
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,987
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dannyboy
hmmm this is very new so the shape of it will change but I am unsure about the objection to the unnatural rhythms - its sort of what I was after, that language, and words and modern poetry in particular, are not natural, do not seek natural rhythms and I am moving far away (deliberately?) I think from the flow that once came easy to me.
there is a problem in these two lines,however, so maybe thats what is distracting you?
'and the soft chime of word- bells, the distance sought
the landscape seen, is fragile as thought.' I have yet to work pout a satisfactory untangling of what I am trying to say with these two lines.
and thinking about it, that cheap rhyme of sought with thought may be the very thing that is irking me the most and m,aybe that was really the crux of my post to your poem Baron, maybe the unconscious was dangling over sought/fought - I'll have to go back and reread yours I think.
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Guess I asked for that  |
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03-10-2008, 04:01 AM
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#17
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: australia
Posts: 4,532
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its funny, six months ago I would have liked that rhyme, now I'm leaning toward half-rhymes that can give more cadent (is there even such a word????) kick.
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03-10-2008, 04:50 AM
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#18
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,987
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dannyboy
its funny, six months ago I would have liked that rhyme, now I'm leaning toward half-rhymes that can give more cadent (is there even such a word????) kick.
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Quote:
ca·dent (k d nt)
adj. 1. Having cadence or rhythm.
2. Archaic Falling, as water or tears.
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There you go. 
I'm just calling it as I see it, dannyboy. In my own work, at the moment, I'm looking more for emotion (drama) and visuals.
Last edited by Baron : 03-10-2008 at 04:52 AM.
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03-10-2008, 05:34 AM
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#19
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: australia
Posts: 4,532
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na its fine Baron, I'm searching for depth in intention behind the piece rather than story. I would hope without losing emotion, more just avoiding the shallows I think I do (too) easily.
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03-10-2008, 06:50 AM
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#20
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 271
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03-10-2008, 05:34 PM
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#21
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: australia
Posts: 4,532
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are you saying I should be banned????
I promise I will not sing this.....
in march
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