Thread: Dance of Dreams

inner voice
whispered words
no timbre or tone
grasped in their flight
without echoing drum

images tumble,
colored embers
drift through void,
project to screen
alight the stage

reality blurs
finality looms clear

concrete crumbles
memories play
images tumble
blown away
in the
dance of dreams

My initial reaction is this is my kind of thing! A lot of my stuff would (I think) compare to this, though whether of the same quality will be for forum members to judge. Would I be right in describing it as a "parataxis style"?

Lagomorph

the last stanza is the only one that really works for me.

the rest seems a bit disjointed and list-y

It's got potential, with a little more choreography and spring in the steps...

I agree with J.R. MacLean; the last stanza really flows, while the others seem stiffer. But I also like the second stanza. All in all I think it's a good poem, and with some revision, could be a really great poem.

You seem to be afraid to venture into longer lines, Van. I'm not saying that I necessarily agree with the other comments, the jury is out, but I do think that you could experiment a little with the format for sure.

I enjoy the flow in all of this, but it seems a bit abstract.

Enjoyed this piece Vangogh. It flowed well and captured the feeling of the stage mounted artist equally well.

Originally Posted by Lagomorph

Would I be right in describing it as a "parataxis style"?

Lagomorph

Yes, I think that describes, it at least in part. I will often contrast words and phrases next to one another (not so much in this one). I find a beauty, and difficulty, in using a bare minimum to express large ideas. In this case the process of thought.

I prefer the use of image and so for me while I understand what you are doing I would rather like an image or two to hang my eyes upon.

Originally Posted by dannyboy

I prefer the use of image and so for me while I understand what you are doing I would rather like an image or two to hang my eyes upon.

Thanks for the comment DB. I see your point especially in this one. It is a little void of imagery. It is more a description of something abstract yet real, there is some imagery especially in the second and final verses, such as referring to the mind as a screen, thoughts as falling colored embers, and the contrast of concrete vision with their memory being blown away as dust.

JRM, Thanks for the comment, I may try and rework this a bit, maybe attempt to put more imagery in as DB suggested.

Thanks Angel23. Glad you found some parts you liked.

Originally Posted by Baron

You seem to be afraid to venture into longer lines, Van.

Not afraid, I just don't do it. I don't know, maybe it's the tradition I come out of. I am mainly a playwright, so my tendency is to make things less descriptive and more dialog like. Parataxis style, is the way many people speak. I am open to change, so we'll see. Let me know when the verdict is back.

Ilasir, nice catch on the abstract aspect. Glad the flow worked for you.

Edge, glad you liked it.

Good to read something new from you, Van.

I appreciate the cadence in this piece, and I'm one to applaud spartan structure (poems stripped to the bare essence), yet, as Baron noted, I'd like to see you post something with longer verses, as well.

As for the images, not every poem needs imagery overkill to succeed. This one worked for me. It makes use of personification - almost anthropomorphism. I like the utilization of space (its plasticity, versatility), which aptly fits the theme.

Enjoyed the read.

Originally Posted by Mirror

Good to read something new from you, Van.

I appreciate the cadence in this piece, and I'm one to applaud spartan structure (poems stripped to the bare essence), yet, as Baron noted, I'd like to see you post something with longer verses, as well.

As for the images, not every poem needs imagery overkill to succeed. This one worked for me. It makes use of personification - almost anthropomorphism. I like the utilization of space (its plasticity, versatility), which aptly fits the theme.

Enjoyed the read.

Thanks Mirror. I'm glad you caught the spacial feel I was going for in the mindscape described.

oh dear

I agree that it's good to read something from you again.
I liked this FOR it's sparcity. I liked it for it's minimal imagery. It reflects the content very well, Van

A good read

Jack

Originally Posted by MisterJack

I agree that it's good to read something from you again.
I liked this FOR it's sparcity. I liked it for it's minimal imagery. It reflects the content very well, Van

A good read

Jack

Thanks Jack. You may like my latest one, Evening Beach, better. Oops. Looks like you just checked it out. I'll go see if you did like it better.