Thread: Dance of Dreams

Beautiful. A few suggestions: the use of the words 'screen' and 'stage' are, for me, to directly a reference to something tangible. In the style of this poem, maybe you should use something a bit more abstract, such as 'project to sight' and 'alight the eye' or something in this trend. Also, the re-use of the phrase "images tumble" in the last stanza is a flowbreaker to me: try a different expression, suggestion: 'thoughts will mumble' or something similar.

(Revised)

inner voice
whispered words
no timbre or tone
grasped in their flight
without echoing drum

images tumble,
colored embers
drift through void,
project to screen
alight the stage

reality blurs
finality looms clear

concrete crumbles
memories play
thoughts jumbled
blown away
in the
dance of dreams

Dzhyan, thanks for your suggestions. I am not sure I ever noticed that repeated phrase. It's changed.

The other suggestion about the "Project to screen" part, I'll think about. Thanks again.

Wow, you had to dig deep for this one. It's two years old!

van, before my humble thoughts, post "Evening Beach", please!

A poem from a playwrite. You caught the essence of the stage and it's the magical possibilities. Best expressed in this stanza, I think.

images tumble,
colored embers
drift through void,
project to screen
alight the stage

I didn't see a hint of anthroporphisms, here, as mentioned above. I just don't see them fitting for this poem.

Originally Posted by SilverMoon

van, before my humble thoughts, post "Evening Beach", please!

A poem from a playwriter. You caught the essence of the stage and it's the magical possibilities. Best expressed in this stanza, I think.

Thanks SilverMoon. Yes, I think that line was a bit inspired by my drama background.

Evening Beach was posted here a long time back. It's here:

http://www.writingforums.com/showthr...ach&highlight=

Thanks, van. I will be pleasingly digging into this one!

I will be honest Hun, when I first read the title, nostalgic clips of vomit plastering my comp screen due to once moderating a teen poetry forum came reeling back to me. lol

But then I read it and was impressed. Why ? Because frankly I can't write abstract poetry to save my own butt that's why ! The last stanza is without a doubt the best ( save the whole "dance of dreams" thingie. ( Sorry Hun still shivering You have just enough solid mixed with soft liquidy to make this a much enjoyable read

Originally Posted by MaggieG

I will be honest Hun, when I first read the title, nostalgic clips of vomit plastering my comp screen due to once moderating a teen poetry forum came reeling back to me. lol

But then I read it and was impressed. Why ? Because frankly I can't write abstract poetry to save my own butt that's why ! The last stanza is without a doubt the best ( save the whole "dance of dreams" thingie. ( Sorry Hun still shivering You have just enough solid mixed with soft liquidy to make this a much enjoyable read

Ha! Oh you poor dear. I would have probably gone nuts monitoring a teen poetry forum ("My life is so bad" "No one has ever gone through what I've gone through" "I love him/her and they don't know it...", gaak.)

Glad you were able to make it through the flashbacks and read on.

Someone has been mining the archives and digging out little nuggets, I see! Much enjoyed this van and your edits have made it even more so.

This is very good! The only thing that I would say is that the first 3 segments don't flow quite as well as the 4th. But keep it up!