NealCassady

A Bracelet
bought a bracelet__from two tibetan monks
making a mandala__in the middle of a library

__________in the middle of a campus

who walked across the field of grass
______________________in the middle of a campus

towards the lake that led
_______to the dam made by man where
______________id climbed to find myself
__________________in the middle of the mind
wth 3 comrades: ian jesse & kristina,
_____& we sat___& we spoke
_______________of austrailia

& as i watched milked mandala purify
___the campus i felt a general
______peace__of__mnd, struggling
wth sadness becuz all that id been taught
___hd passed thru the mandala of the mnd
________& into the lapping water

at the bank___& the monks muttered
& chanted.____it sounded mournful,

bt im not really sure if tibeten monks mourn
or rather – accept___the passing of the mandala
___________________as the passing of the wind
_______ripping along the bracelet
_______that i prod at wth my finger
becuz it itches my sweaty wrist.

Pete_C

I'm going to really annoy you now, but I'd like to see a version of this without the hipster gimmicks, properly aligned with good enjambments, and with some of the early repetition taken out. Then I think it could be very good.

As it stands, it's close.

J.R. MacLean

mmm love those Tibetans
touching so many lives
when their's was taken away

enjoyed the read, Neal.

Baron

I like this as is. A good read.

__________________

Mirror

Love the content. The execution could do be more effective. I'm irresolute about the repetition of 'in the middle of a campus'. The format that you employ does no justice to this particular poem - neither does the use of slang. Certainly, they have their place, but I find them disproportionate to as powerful a subject as this. At this stage, this is an unpolished gem, to me.

__________________
Where the barmen have their names etched in salt; earthy and honest like their fathers. -- MisterJack

NealCassady

Appreciate the responses j.r. and baron.
Nothing more or less was expected by your response pete.
And mirror, to be honest the format was meant to be handed in for a class I'm in right now on Beat writing, and that may answer questions in concern to the execution. Originally this was a prose piece under the influence of modern english linguistic boredom and AllyG's Indian Journals.