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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 02-28-2008, 05:13 PM   #1
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John

The following is very much meant to be spoken. I'll put up a recording of me reading it once I can find my headset.

/Goes off rummaging.
___________


I named my faith John
And John and I were friends
Friends in a little town called "Hate"

hate
Hate
HATE

AND HE FUCKED Lilly and Shaley and Tony and Arnold
AND the polygraph will not stop buzzing!
As I sit on a couch made of perm-an-ent markers
waiting for the lint in the dryer
to make a newborn baby child
AND that Ticks a nerve
And reminds me of
the time, the time
I made a girl
A darling girl

a little girl

My only girl


I made a girl
from my belief
and parts of my old stereo
And I named her something like Lilly

OH Lillian, Lillian
Dear, dear Lillian
I watched you at your last cotillion
I watched you laugh
And I watched you dance
And I watched you go into that

Crash

Born from the cacophony
The coffin that went off-in-me
AND I carried your body through the filth and the muck
And all that I get is another way up
When all that I need is a snake in the game
but I keep getting ladders
AND it's just not the Same


______

On a separate note, I'm incredibly sorry for posting my work up without really doing any critiques. I've been Uber busy lately, so just bear with me till next Monday. All should be good by then.

-Bryce out
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Old 02-28-2008, 05:28 PM   #2
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Sniper, I've enjoyed your work in the past. There's something to this piece, as well: death and re-creation within a homely setting.

My only gripe concerns the last stanza - whilst the frustration is palpable, I view it as an anticlimax. Perhaps you could tweak it to add more punch - a better closure.

Good read. Look forward to the recording.
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