Shai

try to disregard the ...s at the end, it is the only way i could get the formatting to work (does anyone know how i can fix this?). thanks!



Notes on a Storm

like all true romantics
I learned love on the playground.
and like all true romantics
it started at the muddied soles of my bare feet

or before, in the woods in the tree
where workers,
some tall with long beards
and others short with big hands,
sweat down oaks with axes,

in the machine (dark, rusted)
with the sticker (blowing bright, don’t put your hand in there (or else))
that chops to chips.

And then thirty one steps away
(or in wood chips: two hundred eighty three,
or in static shocks from the plastic slide: eighteen,
or in splinters: two,
or in swing sets: one)
was the red Toyota Corolla with mom inside.

stepping in and sitting down
I put one foot on the dashboard to bake
the other on the mesh covering of the speaker.
and in some small vibrating space
between that speaker and the muddied sole of my bare foot
was the place where Gil-Scott Heron preached me politics (the revolution will not be televised),
where George Clinton funked me metaphysics (free your mind and your ass will follow),
and where Nina Simone taught god how to make a storm.

And then smaller, closer still was the
dead crusted hand of Mozart:
flaked ivory nails in
cracked knuckle skin.
Fingers fading as
cuts bleeding dust
Only to reform, whole,
long enough to hover guidingly
over long ebony keys,
the sharps and flats of Nina Simone’s

hands to
arm followed by
shoulder and then
outstretched neck
where finally
hair sifting fingers, he is lost

and all that is left is:

.....• the resonating sound of frequencies that don’t fit
..........o piano hammers latching back onto wires
..........o the noise of creation behind music (not for the audience)
.....• that face
..........o skin stretched countenance
..........o the shape was stolen from a statue
................x rounded heavy jaw
................x cheeks that give way into deep eye filled basins
......• that scream
..........o lips torn apart by:
................x strips of tooth
................x ringing tongue
................x column of carrying air
..........o the honest melting of calm sorrowful anger

Pete_C

Well, I'm buggered if I know why no one commented on this; perhaps your face just don't fit.

First off, it's a bloody mess. It needs some serious work, both on the structure and on the content. However, it will be worth doing the work because there are some very good parts. Some of the images and strong and evocative, and the overall mood is excellent.

I look forward to seeing some revisions, and hopefully it'll get a few more comments.

Autumn

really liked the combination of sound, flesh, vehicle, narrative and elements in this one

Shai

pete_c, would you mind giving a few more specific examples of places that need the most work. thanks a lot!

ash somers

this part put a smile of my face


i feel the mood shifts considerably after this stanza
there's so much going on in this piece, perhaps too much
if that makes sense, it seems to go into a funk formatting wise
perhaps spend a bit more time rearranging and editing the 2nd half


general editing tips i use for writing, may or may not help with this:

when it comes to editing, try to focus on what you value most
identify and mark what you consider to be the best parts
and then mark what you consider to be the weakest
it may be one or two werds, or lines, or stanzas
the stuff you're sure about and not sure about

at this point, look to see if you have said anything, even if just remotely similar, more than once ... personally, that's one of my biggest downfalls, rabbiting on *wink* i'm not saying you have, though, it's always good to check

around about now, hone in on flow and syntax, focus on making it read well, how it all joins together, emphasis the important bits to you, ditch anything wordy or vague, joining it all together in a way that reads coherently. yeah, i make it sound easy, when i know it's not *smile*

do this over and over again, until you're ready to pull your hair out, put the damn thing away for a day or two or three and come back to it with fresh eyes and renewed enthusiasm. whalla, hopefully you end up with something a bit more polished than what you began with

having said all that, i think it's really different and i enjoyed reading what you have here so far, cheers!