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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 02-27-2008, 10:26 PM   #1
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Gender: Female
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Angel101 is on a distinguished road
Sex Angel

Well, this is the first poem I've posted on here. Ha, ha. I'll admit I'm a little nervous. The piece is very personal, but constructive criticism is, of course, always appreciated.

Sex Angel

Angel—oh, majesty,
feathers flying with me:
beautiful, cascading moonlight,
my wings, you say.
I am an angel.

Flesh is heated,
touching yours—oh!
Pure is an angel,
am I?
Pure sex. Sexy purity.
Your hands on my thighs,
how angelic!

But I am chaste,
between lap dances
in the shady corner,
where I smoke my cigarettes,
my rings soaring,
sitting sweetly atop my head:
my halo!

But weeping red ink,
I am not singing
anymore. Never did.
You, with a bullet
in your broken skull,
am I still “Angel”?
It was suicide, they say;
and I’m sure,
I held the gun.

A shot fired (just once)
for sex,
to end it all—
No more from your seraph
of midnight lace
and orgasmic elation,
the one that tastes of lilacs,
with blood on her wings.
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Old 02-28-2008, 05:48 PM   #2
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Ilasir Maroa is on a distinguished road
Hey, BW. Really liking this poem. Nice contrast, and manages to use angelic cliches ironically.

"I'm sure,
I held the gun."

Perhaps you could use an ellipses or a semi-colon at a stretch, or just drop the comma. It doesn't seem to fit there.
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Old 02-28-2008, 07:05 PM   #3
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Angel101 is on a distinguished road
Yeah, I think I might drop the comma. Thanks! I appreciate it.
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Old 02-29-2008, 01:51 AM   #4
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GivePeaceAChance is on a distinguished road
I love in the third stanza when the poem turns around
the sudden contrast of a lap-dance amidst all the angel imagery was good.

I really liked the imagery of a cigarette smoke halo
that part jumped out at me the most.
thank you!
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Old 02-29-2008, 02:39 AM   #5
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Pete_C is on a distinguished road
This wavers between the very odd moment of subtle imagery and outright hilarity, and I'm not sure that the latter was your intention. I spat my coffee over the screen when I read "Pure is an angel, / am I? / Pure sex. Sexy purity." I really was laughing that hard.

Like an American breakfast, this has way too much Cheese for my taste.
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