GivePeaceAChance

I wake up bleeding on these rocks
And remember why I’m here;
Why I’m dying.

Boulders.
Stones gathered crudely around me on the hillside.
They watch me die, arching their demonic backs to the sun
As they gaze curiously at the sticky reddening of the soil.


Now a heartless wind has found me.
And grinds sand into the wounds
As apathetic clouds roll past
Mocking me, a corpse who hid too long
In a clumsy dress of life.

My memory still intact,
I lie here bleeding on these rocks;
And remember why I’m here, why you killed me.

Pete_C

It's clumsy as a poem, reads more like poncey prose. You need to read more good poetry and understand how pace and flow and rhythm (even in free verse) add to the sense of an image.

That said, it's not all bad. There are some excellent phrases in there. "Mocking me, a corpse who hid too long / In a clumsy dress of life." is worth rewriting and reworking this poem for on its own. It shows a way with words that is everything poetry needs.


One content thing; if I were you (and it's your poem if you ever finish it off) I'd drop the "why you killed me". It answers a question that a reader should be left with. If well rewritten, this won't need that line.

Baron

I would suggest removing the highlighted words and reconsidering the line breaks in this one. As Pete says, there is a lot of potential here.

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GivePeaceAChance

thanks to both of you. I've written a lot more since this poem.
and I know that it needs a lot of work when I get around to re-writing it.
I wanted to see what could be done with it
and now that you mention it,
there's a lot of unneccesary bits that should be taken out.

thanks