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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
02-25-2008, 10:07 PM
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#1
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Chicago
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,520
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Crowd Mentality
I seek to defame the zeitgeist,
Pour gasoline upon the mainframe,
Pull societies biggest heist,
And set the scene of the crime ablaze…
This is not mere arson jargon,
This is revolution personified,
Once lit in anger,
A Molotov,
Cannot easily be pacified,
Nor satisfied by left or right,
The demagogic way,
Because everyone knows that two’s a crowd,
And a thousand’s easier to sway.
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02-25-2008, 10:14 PM
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#2
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Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 22
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I definitely dig the philosophy behind it
the last two lines are great.
I also like the part about the molotov.
if I had written it I would've changed it alot
but hey, that's what poetry's about
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02-26-2008, 05:25 AM
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#3
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,987
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Quite short for you, Edge. A good piece. I'll come back and look in more detail.
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02-26-2008, 04:26 PM
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#4
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Chicago
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,520
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Thank you.
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02-26-2008, 04:37 PM
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#5
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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For me, the flow was only broken slightly here......
Once lit in anger,
A Molotov,
Cannot easily be pacified,
I think the 'a molotov' should be brought down so.....
Once lit in anger,
A Molotov cannot easily be pacified,
It's a smooth read all in all, but those lines slow the pace slightly, creating more pauses than I feel necessary. Unless this was intentional? I'm not sure if you would consider restructuring that part altogether as the 'Molotov' takes up much of that restructured line's syllable count and rhythm. Keep the word though, it's a strong image.
Hope this A) helps and B) makes sense
Jack
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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02-26-2008, 04:41 PM
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#6
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Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Gender: Private
Posts: 24
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This reminds me so much of Mayakovsky (compliment).
__________________
Happy is he whom the Muses love: sweet speech flows from his lips.
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02-26-2008, 04:51 PM
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#7
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Chicago
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,520
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterJack
For me, the flow was only broken slightly here......
Once lit in anger,
A Molotov,
Cannot easily be pacified,
I think the 'a molotov' should be brought down so.....
Once lit in anger,
A Molotov cannot easily be pacified,
It's a smooth read all in all, but those lines slow the pace slightly, creating more pauses than I feel necessary. Unless this was intentional? I'm not sure if you would consider restructuring that part altogether as the 'Molotov' takes up much of that restructured line's syllable count and rhythm. Keep the word though, it's a strong image.
Hope this A) helps and B) makes sense
Jack |
Jack, your critique makes sense. However, the pause is intentional for dramatic effect. |
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02-26-2008, 04:53 PM
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#8
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Edgewise
Jack, your critique makes sense. However, the pause is intentional for dramatic effect.
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Cool, thanks for clearing that up.
It's a hearty piece, didn't mention that did I? 
Jack
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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02-26-2008, 05:08 PM
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#9
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,987
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I've read this several time now, Edge and really have no crits. Good piece of work.
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02-26-2008, 05:10 PM
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#10
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Chicago
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,520
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mprosa
This reminds me so much of Mayakovsky (compliment).
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Time to break out the google hat.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterJack
Cool, thanks for clearing that up.
It's a hearty piece, didn't mention that did I?
Jack |
Ta Sir Jack.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
I've read this several time now, Edge and really have no crits. Good piece of work.
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Thanks Baron. |
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02-26-2008, 05:19 PM
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#11
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Chicago
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,520
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mprosa
This reminds me so much of Mayakovsky (compliment).
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I normally hate emoticons, but this calls for one...
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