Tspeedracr

I'm new to poetry, this is one of my longest poems, I'm actually wondering if you'd say it was a poem or not...feedback would be great. thanks.

Can you see her?
Younger.
Trenching through mosquito nets and whales.
She’s seen them dead you know,
Called them carcasses and cried.

Her feet slid and stuck in Mexico mud.
Toes. Ankles. Slipping fluidly through languages she’ll never learn.
Dama bonita; you called, Turista.

You! You brown skinned native,
You navy eyed local – tell me you recall.
Say she called you Carlos.
Brought fingertips to back.
Tell me that she loved, Carlos;
Loved intensely.

You breathed her up
Used her ferociously.
Whispered in your broken English tiny truths,
The type that do more harm than lies.
Te quiero, you said.
No leave me.

You took too much of her.

Air to ashes, Carlos, ash to water to sand.
Just imagine your girl, permanent; finished.

Places we don’t go?
They haunt in death,
Dance and scream around our heads,
Live like relatives in our tombs.
Places we do go?
Well, Carlos, you know of them.

So give back her aching autobahn,
Hand over Alaskan suns.
Carlos, can you make mountains?
Raise them from the ground, like children;
Bruised, and bleach topped?


Every night, sights unseen form rings around her,
Clasp their hands in a furious refusal to rest.
Angry wheat fields jet from life to life.
“See? See?” I scream, “The world is just too big.”

You went on without her.
You endured.
How could you, Carlos?
Endure.

It’s up to us, Carlos.
Seasons change.
Leaves like their yellows, their oranges, their silly stems and ground.
Snow falls.

And what do you know of snow, Carlos, of cold?

Tell me that you loved her, Carlos;
loved intensely.
Hold her with me.

Me? Cold. Changed. Falling.
You’d never know me. Not compare.

Say I’m not alone.
You see her too.

spooky buk

I liked it a lot. But i'm Brazilian, living in Spain, having a Swedish girlfriend who's in Italy, so i miss her a lot and got a little cheesy over here

Nice words, thanks

Sigur Rós

ePoetry would definitely classify this. It's completely amazing, especially if you're new to it.

-Good writing.

__________________
"What I thought was unreal now, for me, seems in some ways to be more real than what I think to be real, which seems now to be unreal." Fred A. Wolf
-My Quantum Dream of The Roman Swing-
http://www.writingforums.com/fiction...ml#post1070927

Mirror

This piece contains some beautiful images. It's soulful and slightly frenetic without teetering on angst.

It needs a trim, nonetheless.

If this were my poem, I would have it ended it at:

“See? See?” I scream, “The world is just too big.”

because the above line subverts the platitude it contains through its connection to the previous verses. Gives it a new nuance.

Moreover, the subsequent stanzas peter out into amorphousness. Not too much substance. But, I would ensure that I come full circle for this type of poem; thus, I'd incorporate the final verse.

Shorten a few of the longer verses or else break them in two.

She’s seen them dead <insert comma> you know,

^ I don't think you need 'you know' here.

Just imagine your girl, permanent; finished.
(comma, not a semicolon)

You need to go over most of the punctuation in the poem.

Also, please don't capitalize each verse. Many poets do this, but it interferes with cohesion. Usually, when I see a capitalized line, I expect the introduction of a new thought.

Keep working on this. It's worth it.

I look forward to more of your work.

__________________
Selected poetry by Ariana Rink and John Williamson:

http://www.lulu.com/content/2956099

Tspeedracr

I know it's too long. It's hard for me to trim it! As the writer I know exactly what even the most opaque parts are trying to say, so they seem more important than they are. Still...I'm going to.

Thanks for reading it over guys!