Mr Sci Fi

Spur of the moment poem, which I normally don't write. Definitely looking for ideas as to how I can improve it, because I think I may have something with it if I can just get it to work. Particularly, I don't think the final line is powerful enough.

I know that I used the simple repetitive structure you see in so many amateur poems, but I thought the style would lend itself to the material. I'm probably wrong, just looking to see if there's anything that can be salvaged from this. Thanks.



We may no longer be able to drive to the mall to buy a Coach Bag.

Yet we will still live.

We may no longer be able to import products that will make us wealthy yet poison our children and pets.

Yet we will still live.

We may no longer hold the sway of Kronos and instill fear and intimidation in enemies who disprove of our ways.

Yet we will still live.

We may never know if we were conceived as an explosion of an omniscient intelligence or a fiery nova.

Yet we will still live.

We may never again selflessly better our own esteem through the blatant disregard of another's.

Yet we will still live.

We may never again promote ourselves through the reflection of a mirror instead of the pinnacle of reason.

Yet we will still live.

Your 22" rims. Your Botox injection. Your Prom Dress; American Idol, Unlimited Text Messaging, Surround Sound, Hewlett Packard Pentium V with GeForce 10,000 1 Gig Quadruple Card Support, Hair Extensions, Rachel Ray, Fray-less wedding gown with Joan Rivers' approval, Toe Socks, Thigh Highs, Knee Highs, Low Tops, High Tops, No Tops, Big Macs, X-Box, Doc' Martins, HBO, On Demand, Netflix, Direct TV, Verizon, Comcast, Pop Corn, Cherry Coke, Diet Coke, Low Calorie Coke, Caffeine Free, Sugar Free, Health Free, Calorie Free, Carb Free, Fat Free, Completely Free, Target, Walmart, Super Walmart, Everyday low prices by child free, wage free, rest free, food free, support free countries littered with Tanks, Bombs, Jets, AK-47s, Platoons, Battalions, Squads, Armies, Generals, Dictators, Warlords, Emperors, Conquerors, Kings, Gods, Monsters, Men, Terrorists, Infidels, Heretics, Anarchists, Sadists, Capitalists, Communists, Socialists, Humanists, Evangelists, Rationalists, Skeptics - Destroyers.

We may never again have famine, pain, suffering, bloodshed, tears, or violence.

Yet we will still live.

And what’s that compared to anything else?

__________________
"The writer you envy today will probably have reason to envy you tomorrow." - Orson Scott Card

MisterJack

I loved this bit....


Your 22" rims. Your Botox injection. Your Prom Dress; American Idol, Unlimited Text Messaging, Surround Sound, Hewlett Packard Pentium V with GeForce 10,000 1 Gig Quadruple Card Support, Hair Extensions, Rachel Ray, Fray-less wedding gown with Joan Rivers' approval, Toe Socks, Thigh Highs, Knee Highs, Low Tops, High Tops, No Tops, Big Macs, X-Box, Doc' Martins, HBO, On Demand, Netflix, Direct TV, Verizon, Comcast, Pop Corn, Cherry Coke, Diet Coke, Low Calorie Coke, Caffeine Free, Sugar Free, Health Free, Calorie Free, Carb Free, Fat Free, Completely Free, Target, Walmart, Super Walmart, Everyday low prices by child free, wage free, rest free, food free, support free countries littered with Tanks, Bombs, Jets, AK-47s, Platoons, Battalions, Squads, Armies, Generals, Dictators, Warlords, Emperors, Conquerors, Kings, Gods, Monsters, Men, Terrorists, Infidels, Heretics, Anarchists, Sadists, Capitalists, Communists, Socialists, Humanists, Evangelists, Rationalists, Skeptics



you noticed I omitted 'destroyers'.
I think if you condense the initial message and then construct the above selected piece into a more accessible format, you could have a really good rant piece. I am not keen on the repetitiveness, no. You could lose that altogether as the message needs to be clear and concise. You may bore the reader into submission before they get to the best bit. (IMO)

I'd like to see what you do with this.

Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

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Mr Sci Fi

Thank you, Jack. That's just what I've been looking for. I'm going to see what I can make of the bit you liked.

__________________
"The writer you envy today will probably have reason to envy you tomorrow." - Orson Scott Card

MisterJack

Cool, I look forward to seeing what you make of it. I've done similar pieces before, 'rants'. Some rhyming, some freeverse, some rap/hip-hop style, some spoken, well, most spoken actually. There's a lot of different directions you can go with it.
I wouldn't get rid of the first bit entirely, mind. I quite liked the openeing line.

Later

Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

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Mirror

My gripe concerns the enumeration in the bit that Jack isolated. I appreciate what you have to note there; yet, I feel that you could incorporate those items into verses by association (discern each separate 'strand'). That way they will leave their mark.

I'd also shorten the preceding lines and omit the repetition.

There's immense potential in this piece. Keep working on it.

__________________
Selected poetry by Ariana Rink and John Williamson:

http://www.lulu.com/content/2956099

lin

Change "Your" in that passage to "Our" and it will mean a lot more.

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Arvind

Hey, liked yer poem!

"We may no longer hold the sway of Kronos and instill fear and intimidation in enemies who disprove of our ways."

I think you meant disapprove?

plaindealingvillain

i guess i fall into the category of not liking this form whatsoever and so finding it hard to like the content. perhaps a far too superficial judgement but this just doesn't read at all like poetry to me.

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You do not always know what i am feeling.
Last night in the warm spring air while i was
blazing my tirade against someone who doesn't
interest me, it was love for you that set me afire,
and isn't it odd?