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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
02-22-2008, 04:46 PM
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#1
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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There IS No Silence Of The Lambs
removed
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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Last edited by MisterJack : 03-01-2008 at 09:06 AM.
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02-22-2008, 06:16 PM
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#2
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Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 14
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Quote:
why these days with rain
are always clean.
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Such an anticlimax to such a busy piece. It works very well though. |
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02-22-2008, 06:53 PM
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#3
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 790
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Yes, the anticlimax - it doesn't organically emerge from the piece; yet, it brings out the freshness the lack of which the poem laments. Just thought I'd note it. This is another beauty, Jack.
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02-22-2008, 08:27 PM
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#4
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Dec 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 248
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Hey Jack, been a while since I was here. This is the first piece I've read in my return and I have to say, a nice 'welcoming piece'. It was great, no criticque's from me. It has me wondering why I left in the first place. Nice one Jack.
__________________
"A writer without crticque, is nothing"
"The reason I love the rain, is so other's won't see the tears falling from my eyes."
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02-23-2008, 02:50 AM
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#5
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,925
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This reads okay in terms of content but seems to deserve a little more rhythm.
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02-23-2008, 07:21 AM
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#6
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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Baron, I'm currently looking at the rhythm.
Does the 'anti-climactic' ending dteract? I did have another stanza but it read too disjointed and angsty with a hint of my old friend, 'rant' 
thanks for the pointers so far
Jack
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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02-23-2008, 07:45 AM
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#7
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,925
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I don't have a problem with the ending, Jack. Just so long as it does what you want it to. As for rant, there's just so much... Edge can keep churning out rants and get away with it but his rap style lends to that.
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02-23-2008, 07:48 AM
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#8
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
I don't have a problem with the ending, Jack. Just so long as it does what you want it to. As for rant, there's just so much... Edge can keep churning out rants and get away with it but his rap style lends to that.
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It probably helps that he doesn't post as many as I did  
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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