Welcome to Writing Forums, one of the fastest growing writing communties on the web.
You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions, articles and photo galleries. By joining our free community you will
be able to talk with other writers, get feedback on your work to improve your writing skills, discuss ideas, share tips & tricks, network and make friends!
Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!
If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact support.
| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
02-22-2008, 04:03 PM
|
#1
|
|
Adept Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 778
|
Unilateral
DELETED
__________________
Where the barmen have their names etched in salt; earthy and honest like their fathers. -- MisterJack
Last edited by Mirror : 05-09-2008 at 01:45 AM.
|
|
|
|
02-22-2008, 04:21 PM
|
#2
|
|
Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,675
|
Just for less ambiguity, is that "you [now] stride" or "you strode"?
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
|
|
|
|
|
02-22-2008, 04:24 PM
|
#3
|
|
Adept Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 778
|
It's 'stride' - perhaps I need to insert a 'now', for stanzas 2 and 3 are flashbacks.
__________________
Where the barmen have their names etched in salt; earthy and honest like their fathers. -- MisterJack
|
|
|
|
|
02-22-2008, 08:42 PM
|
#4
|
|
Prolific Writer
Join Date: Dec 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 240
|
I liked it Mirror, as always your pieces are excellent. I do have some slight confusion though and one minor tweak. Maybe a line such as "For then" would help ease possible confusion. Stanzas 2 and 3 were not clearly flashbacks to me. Other than that, excellent.
__________________
"A writer without crticque, is nothing"
"The reason I love the rain, is so other's won't see the tears falling from my eyes."
|
|
|
|
|
02-22-2008, 09:05 PM
|
#5
|
|
Adept Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 778
|
Thanks, Wishing. Well, the stanzas in question are a recollection of what occurred - hence the tense shift.
I will add a 'now' (since two people already noted this) - to revert it to the present.
Welcome back.
__________________
Where the barmen have their names etched in salt; earthy and honest like their fathers. -- MisterJack
|
|
|
|
|
02-22-2008, 11:57 PM
|
#6
|
|
Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
|
I liked it - but couldn't connect with the ideas and images...I'm sorry. It reads well though...
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
|
|
|
|
|
02-23-2008, 03:02 AM
|
#7
|
|
Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,903
|
it works better with the "now".
|
|
|
|
|
02-23-2008, 07:15 AM
|
#8
|
|
Adept Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 778
|
Thanks, Eiji. What, in particular, did not connect to you?
Baron, thank you for the vote of confidence.
__________________
Where the barmen have their names etched in salt; earthy and honest like their fathers. -- MisterJack
|
|
|
|
|
02-23-2008, 07:15 AM
|
#9
|
|
Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
|
This reads like the separation of parents and the father's duty to pay welfare.
Not sure about the line breaks/enjambment. I gues the disjointedness was intentional.
Jack
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
--------------
|
|
|
|
|
02-23-2008, 07:23 AM
|
#10
|
|
Adept Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 778
|
Right on the money, Jack. There's also a coveted return to the origin on the child's part (land, father - fatherland).
The disjointed is deliberate (I hoped it would fit the theme), but subject to change.
Thank you for the comment.
__________________
Where the barmen have their names etched in salt; earthy and honest like their fathers. -- MisterJack
|
|
|
|
|
Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
|
|
|
Posting Rules
|
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
|
|
|
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:27 PM. Powered by vBulletin, Copyright ©2000-2007, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0
|
|
Newsletter |
 |
|
Subscribe to Majestic
the official newsletter of Writing Forums and lit.org
|
|
Link to Us: 
|
|
