Dark Daughter - Writers Forum

sleepy1 · 02-22-2008, 11:28 AM

[1] An alluring shadow attraction pulling the weak worldly faithless in… With a sickly sweet smell of death that seeps from her perfect soft skin… With conception intent of a dark angel, she makes love to her fallen father to consecrate the sin… An abomination in the deep furnace to create the holy Childs negative….

[2] Dark Daughter teasing a crucifix with her wild forked tongue… Using it as your intimate instrument, as you lead the faulterd from the son… Sliding it further down your throat as you swallow the faithless ones… Straying from the litten, bound within themselves… A perfect lust has begun….

[3] She has become the new night shaded deity… The violet painted whore of the world… Shackled by her red destiny… She’s so beautiful to see… Wicked bitter sweet child, temptress of the night song… The black raven chorus is whispering in your shadow all night long….

Olly Buckle · 02-22-2008, 06:38 PM

Faulterd?
Faulter, noun meaning culprit, faltered, meaning tripped or hesitated. Maybe it is a deliberate construction, one who hesitated and was lost. You should go and look at some trees they give one perspective.

Mirror · 02-22-2008, 06:49 PM

The content isn't bad, except for a few literal explanations such as 'A perfect lust has begun'.

Whilst I embrace unconventional format, I'm afraid I cannot consider this poetry, even though it has rhymes and rhythm. Line breaks would help. Where do we draw the line between prose and poetry?

sleepy1 · 02-23-2008, 03:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Olly Buckle

Faulterd?
Faulter, noun meaning culprit, faltered, meaning tripped or hesitated. Maybe it is a deliberate construction, one who hesitated and was lost. You should go and look at some trees they give one perspective.

Ok... Now your just digging... Of course it is the faulted,, Or faulterd one... This is God and the Devil witch i speak off.... So your tree's Sir? WTF are you speaking of?!!! I really don't understand.

Is this place really supposed to be a positive work environment?..

I was just trying to see what i was working with...

This bullshit in that case just flows from my mind....

Should I think anyone but myself is the sane?........

Thank you... So constructive you've been... Or

Maybe i should go look at some tree's?...................................

Please explain if i have taken this the wrong way........

Pete_C · 02-23-2008, 05:22 AM

Sleepy1, why did you post here if you are not prepared to accept the feedback you've been offered?

Did you expect to be swamped with praise by readers who were blown away with your writing skills, your unique phrasing or your rich imagery? If you did, I hope you aren't holding your breath. The format is awful; it adds nothing and is totally uninspired. The poem is littered with errors, showing you've put no effort in. Why expect any one else to bother if you don't? The images are rehashed 1970s horror film staples that are so old as to be tired. In short, it's not good.

Maybe you should go and look at some trees. Look at the sky. Think about things. Try writing about them. You'll find it difficult but keep trying. It's the simplest things that are the hardest to write. Give up this sort of twaddle.

Let's face it, even if you are writing this kind of crap to get into the knickers of some Goth chick, you're only going to pull a thick one with poetry like this!

Mirror · 02-23-2008, 06:37 AM

Sleepy 1,

Since you asked me via PM, I tried to reformat this for you. I did stumble with the pronouns in the second stanza ('she' vs 'they').
Also, I think you meant 'latten' in one of the lines.
I can't fiddle too much with the content, for it's not my piece. The scheme, however, needs to be consistent. It reads awkwardly if some verses contain end rhymes and others do not.

Here:

An alluring shadow attraction
pulls in the weak worldly faithless.
A sickly sweet smell of death
seeps from her perfect soft skin.
With conception intent of a dark angel,
she makes love to her fallen father
to consecrate the sin – an abomination
in the deep furnace
that creates the holy Child’s negative.

Dark Daughter teases a crucifix
with her wild forked tongue,
uses it as an intimate instrument
as she leads the faulted from the son.
Sliding it further down their throats,
she swallows the faithless ones
who stray from the latten,
bound within themselves.
A perfect lust begins.

She becomes the new night-shaded deity
the violet painted whore of the world,
shackled by her red destiny.
She's so beautiful to see –
wicked bitter sweet child,
temptress of the night song
the black raven chorus whispers
in your shadow all night long.

Hope I helped.

Olly Buckle · 02-23-2008, 06:52 AM

Sleepy 1, I have responded to your pm with a pm, I hope it answers your questions.
Pete, your caustic humour is a little caustic sometimes, I get the impression sleepy1 is asking for clarification rather than rejecting what was said. But you did make me smile.

MisterJack · 02-23-2008, 07:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mirror

Also, I think you meant 'latten' in one of the lines.

I read it as 'litter', as in 'fold'

I think, though there may have been a level of wrong-footedness, you are coming across as wanting to improve, hence the PM's.

I like Mirrors interperetation. It's clear, concise and much easier on the poetic eye. I have issues with the content and agree with Pete that this could be less 'Teen-goth' esque, but then, this is probably more personal preference.

Keep writing Sleepy1, you seem to have a heart for it.

Jack

sleepy1 · 02-23-2008, 01:17 PM

To all that have commented thank you... And mirror thanks for the time you took... As for pete, Do you need a hug? I sure do...Ha... Goth huh<> I never thought of it that way... Wow... I cant even think of a response to that... No i don't want praise. Just proof that i live. If you wore my shoes fella your feet would stink... Much more than they already do.

Olly Buckle · 02-23-2008, 05:51 PM

Pete has a turn of phrase that has been known to offend, but don't dismiss what he has to say, it is often the grain of truth which makes it offensive and whilst I find some of his poetry incomprehensible some of it is very good. I mean what I say about getting outside four walls and looking at trees, I shall be looking for your further posts to see how you are doing, it's a delusion, you are really there.