Soulmate - Writers Forum

missmoneypenny · 02-22-2008, 08:53 AM

The eloquence of wired connection,
Where logic shrinks from explanation,
A surge of electricity -
No physical reality,
A force so strong time fell away,
Till day was night, and night was day.
Like ancient tide on time lapped shore
Past echoes, of lives lived before.

Magnetic draw on silken thread,
Entwined through eons long since dead,
The psyche yearns for its own capture
And lights the way with joyous rapture,
A knowing soul seeks out its other,
Dark universe can't shroud or cover,
Mind meets mind, where heaven's done
And two alone, become as one.

Through time and space, what's meant to be
Shines bright throughout eternity,
Whilst destiny is re-awoken,
The tie that binds remains unbroken.
A thousand lifetimes cannot part,
Nor still the beat of waiting heart,
No distance, or infinity
Can shatter loves divinity.

MisterJack · 02-22-2008, 09:41 AM

This is one of those tricky subjects to write without falling into the cliche trap. It's generally well written, but it also feels trapped by the rhymes. Perhaps if this was redone as free verse you could expand it's potential.
Have a good look through each line and think of a different way to express it.
Patience, time and plenty of reading are all weapons you should have at your disposal.

I hope this helps. I will come back with more suggestions if you need them.

Jack

missmoneypenny · 02-22-2008, 11:20 AM

Hi Jack, thanks once more for your comments. This was written for my husband when he became ill, the final verse was added for what we knew would be our last wedding anniversary. I find it interesting that you feel it is trapped by the rhymes, because that's exactly how it's supposed to be. We truly believed ourselves to be soulmates, forever bound together, incomplete alone, one always seeking the other out. Again, it is deeply personal, but I take on board everything you have said and will try to apply these ideas in future.

MisterJack · 02-22-2008, 12:24 PM

I understand. It does make it difficult for readers to critique pieces that are so personal. This would probably explain why your work has not had much critique from others. Perhaps bring something to the forum that is less personal, something that others can gain access to and critique without feeling they may offend or upset the author. Just a thought.

Also, if you review other people's work, they will return the favour more often than not. It doesn't matter if you feel 'unqualified' to do so. It's more a courtesy.

Hope this helps

Jack