Empty - Writers Forum

crowe1120 · 02-22-2008, 04:14 AM

Vast emptiness stretches
Miles beyond eyesight
Grasses flowing like waves
Empty grass speaking in code

Skies as blue as water
Same emptiness as before
Mindless blunder wonders
A numbness blankets

Wondering thoughts of love
Affection killed by disease
Cancer eating at feelings
Nothing left but sadness

Baron · 02-22-2008, 04:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by crowe1120

Vast emptiness stretching I suggest getting rid of the "ing" ending an losing the passive voice on the opening.
Miles beyond eyesight This doesn't work for me
A sea of golden waves Cliche
Wind blowing gracefully Cliche

Skies as blue as water
Same emptiness as before
A deep sea of pain
From a life now dead This whole stanza is pretty much a string of cliches

So many happy times
Killed by a disease
No sign of life
Love had no cure Again a stanza full of cliche

The contrast that you want to draw here is good in intent but fails in execution. I suggest taking the idea and the metaphor and trying to find new words to express it.

crowe1120 · 02-22-2008, 05:03 AM

I know, I read over the poem just a minute ago and couldn't help think I just wrote a dictionary of clinches. I am not a poet at all but recently stanza has been my train of thought. Is there something I could do to fix this problem?

Baron · 02-22-2008, 05:14 AM

I'd take this a line at a time and try and think of a new way of expressing each idea. As an exercise it's good, whatever. Also try to focus on a concrete central image that the rest of the poem can reelate to, something that might draw the reader into the poem. At the moment it is vague metaphor, it needs to have a hook for the reader. Working these things out in poetry is a great way of improving your prose writing also.

crowe1120 · 02-22-2008, 05:19 AM

Thank you Baron. I know that my writing can be tough to read, but in all honesty it is because I only have started writing recently. I use to write a lot but have tried to start writing more...all the input I can receive is great thank you.

Baron · 02-22-2008, 05:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by crowe1120

Thank you Baron. I know that my writing can be tough to read, but in all honesty it is because I only have started writing recently. I use to write a lot but have tried to start writing more...all the input I can receive is great thank you.

The best way to improve is to keep at it. You handle criticism well and that speaks volumes.

dannyboy · 02-22-2008, 07:07 AM

and read - read poets, read poets on poets, read poets on everything but fucking poets, read.