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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
02-21-2008, 07:19 PM
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#1
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 778
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Candid
DELETED
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Where the barmen have their names etched in salt; earthy and honest like their fathers. -- MisterJack
Last edited by Mirror : 05-09-2008 at 01:45 AM.
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02-21-2008, 09:44 PM
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#2
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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Hand-me-down words
worn out by chewing mouths
My favourite part.
A mass production of toothless smiles
divulging in the rotten truth
in your sweet tooth worms build a castle
Not my favourite part. Quite grim.
My honest laughable loves
raped by pure incestuous affairs
Nice contrasts in these lines.
I don't really have an opinion on this poem though.
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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02-21-2008, 10:04 PM
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#3
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Moderator
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Southwestern Pennsylvania
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,211
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Quote:
Merited empathy supported on welfare.
Hand-me-down words
worn out by chewing mouths
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I think this part is fantastic. The rest of it I don't feel qualified to comment on. |
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02-21-2008, 10:10 PM
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#4
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Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mirror
In your sweet tooth worms build a castle.
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(Kindly add an 'h' to the front of this)
ttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Worms_Armageddon
Phillip K. Dick says you're sending me secret messages.
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02-22-2008, 04:40 AM
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#5
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,903
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mirror
Piercing thoughts rewarded by looks
deprived of true competition
living on assistance.
Merited empathy supported on welfare.
Hand-me-down words
worn out by chewing mouths
as lifeless mannequins stretch out plastic hands
followed with fabric-minded compliments.
A mass production of toothless smiles
divulging in the rotten truth. Syntax problem
In your sweet tooth worms build a castle.
My honest laughable loves
raped by pure incestuous affairs
prepackaged in sterile bodies
pickled in holy water
ready to serve with a daily dose of relish.
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A touch of the "lady scorned" in this one, I think. |
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02-22-2008, 08:22 AM
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#6
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 778
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Eiji, I understand what mean. It just is. Glad you could appreciate parts of it.
Foxee, thanks for the comment. Good to see you in poetry thread.
Indigo, ah, that would call for a syntax change. But, no secrets.
Baron, yes, the gerund form. I'll fix it now.
Thank you, guys. Just a style change. I wanted this to be satirical. It came out as spoken word, too.
__________________
Where the barmen have their names etched in salt; earthy and honest like their fathers. -- MisterJack
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02-22-2008, 08:34 AM
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#7
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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I liked the last line. I think you could incorporate some more food imagery to make the satyre stand out more. There is plenty of iamgery regarding tha action of eating, but some references may be a good addition. Words like 'Celery' and 'Aubergine' have a wonderful, colourful, almost comical tone to them imo.
Just some thoughts
Jack
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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02-22-2008, 08:42 AM
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#8
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 778
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterJack
I liked the last line. I think you could incorporate some more food imagery to make the satyre stand out more. There is plenty of iamgery regarding tha action of eating, but some references may be a good addition. Words like 'Celery' and 'Aubergine' have a wonderful, colourful, almost comical tone to them imo.
Just some thoughts
Jack
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Thank you, Jack. I'll be working on this. I tried to focus on the precariousness of vanity (more of a 'slam' poem as opposed to one filled with imagery); the edible comparison just emerged along the way. But I probably will find a place for 'Aubergine' - love its sound (not the taste).
__________________
Where the barmen have their names etched in salt; earthy and honest like their fathers. -- MisterJack
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02-22-2008, 08:45 AM
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#9
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mirror
Thank you, Jack. I'll be working on this. I tried to focus on the precariousness of vanity (more of a 'slam' poem as opposed to one filled with imagery); the edible comparison just emerged along the way. But I probably will find a place for 'Aubergine' - love its sound (not the taste).
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I got the vanity. I was just thinking the addition of foodstuffs as reference may add a more comedic tone to the poem. More a 'tool' than an 'image', if you see what I mean??
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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02-22-2008, 08:50 AM
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#10
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 778
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterJack
I got the vanity. I was just thinking the addition of foodstuffs as reference may add a more comedic tone to the poem. More a 'tool' than an 'image', if you see what I mean??
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Yes, I see what what you mean, Jack. It's valid idea. I'm still editing this.
Thanks, again.
__________________
Where the barmen have their names etched in salt; earthy and honest like their fathers. -- MisterJack
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02-22-2008, 11:28 AM
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#11
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mirror
Yes, I see what what you mean, Jack. It's valid idea. I'm still editing this.
Thanks, again.
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Cool, I look forward to the edit 
Jack
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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02-22-2008, 03:25 PM
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#12
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Scribe
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: New Jersey
Gender: Male
Posts: 84
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Grotesque, yet philosophic at the same time. Well done.
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Costard. “O, they have lived long on the alms-basket of words. I marvel thy master hath not eaten thee for a word; for thou art not so long by the head as honorificabilitudinitatibus: thou art easier swallowed than a flap-dragon.”
( Love’s Labour’s Lost V.i)
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02-22-2008, 04:36 PM
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#13
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 778
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Thanks, Cervantes.
Jack, I tried to do the celery/aubergine thing - it came out ludicrous. I'll come back to this, if not later on today, definitely tomorrow. Thanks.
__________________
Where the barmen have their names etched in salt; earthy and honest like their fathers. -- MisterJack
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02-23-2008, 07:29 AM
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#14
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 778
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Jack, I thought I would do this (as per your suggestion):
pickled in holy gin
pulped back to aubergines
ready to serve with a daily dose of relish.
Let me know if it's worth inserting into the original.
__________________
Where the barmen have their names etched in salt; earthy and honest like their fathers. -- MisterJack
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02-23-2008, 02:26 PM
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#15
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mirror
Jack, I thought I would do this (as per your suggestion):
pickled in holy gin
pulped back to aubergines
ready to serve with a daily dose of relish.
Let me know if it's worth inserting into the original.
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Yeah, I like it. Not sure about the 'gin' though? I've tried to come up with something as well, so if I do, I'll let you know.
I guess you could insert it and see what others say, you can always remove if it's not working for them.
Jack
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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