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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
02-21-2008, 03:38 PM
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#1
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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Always Read The Instructions
removed
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If it claims to be God, eat it.
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Last edited by MisterJack : 03-01-2008 at 09:07 AM.
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02-21-2008, 03:45 PM
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#2
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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I kind of liked it. Why is Consult capitalized? My biggest quarrel.
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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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02-21-2008, 03:48 PM
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#3
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eiji Tunsinagi
I kind of liked it. Why is Consult capitalized? My biggest quarrel.
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lol, typo. You responded to this quick  .
Thanks for reading. No other issues?
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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02-21-2008, 03:58 PM
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#4
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,903
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The rickety format works well with this one, Jack.
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02-21-2008, 04:00 PM
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#5
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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I like the format too - it works with the content.
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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02-21-2008, 04:09 PM
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#6
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: st. louis, misery
Gender: Male
Posts: 413
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the format is good. i have a bit of a quarrel with b-r-o-k-e-n
is there any particular reason for that? I was just thinking that the idea of lethargy could be displayed different than the spelling out of a word. (if that's what you were going for) I don't know, and ellipsis?
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My solo music: www.myspace.com/constantbullshit
Quote:
Originally Posted by winner
I want to thank you TinyMachines for your post. I printed it out and am doing some research on the things you listed.
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02-22-2008, 04:59 AM
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#7
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,903
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eiji Tunsinagi
I like the format too - it works with the content.
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I think that Jack probably got himself in character for this one.    |
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02-22-2008, 08:41 AM
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#8
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
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Eiji, thanks for the vote of confidence.
TinyMachines, that's a technique I've used on previous pieces and seemed to work ok. If it becomes an issue for other readers, I'll consider revising. Not sure about using elipses, due to the nature of the word.
Baron, probably got into character? Is that a mockery of my D.I.Y kills??  
Thanks for the comments so far
Jack
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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02-22-2008, 08:56 AM
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#9
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 778
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Rickety is the word. Shades of last season's Jack in this poem, which says exactly what it needs to say (briefly, laconically). I really have no critique for it. There's more to this than meets the eye: the self-objectification, for instance. Like it.
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Where the barmen have their names etched in salt; earthy and honest like their fathers. -- MisterJack
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02-22-2008, 09:08 AM
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#10
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mirror
Rickety is the word. Shades of last season's Jack in this poem, which says exactly what it needs to say (briefly, laconically). I really have no critique for it. There's more to this than meets the eye: the self-objectification, for instance. Like it.
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Well, this was a piece that I'd hoped would help anyone with 'the block'.. A 'look outside the box' piece, if you will 
As for shades of last season, well, yes. Hopefully it's something with more bite this season 
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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