Night Voice - Writers Forum

missmoneypenny · 02-21-2008, 12:21 PM

In the beginning, in their eyes, there was good reason.
And everyone knew last autumn season, was full of my despair and loss.
But....
Just because
Time marches on, and the world turns, it doesn’t mean the pain has gone.
Although to be fair
I conceal it well,
My painted words make it difficult to tell, and they’re unaware

I’m
in
dis
re
pair.

Funny lady ..... That’s me,
This is what I allow them to see,
And in the room,
The laughter spills forth from my nom de plume,
The name I hide behind
In the empty hours ... when reality invades my mind.

Then from nowhere, there was you,
Cutting through to something else, and it wasn’t difficult to do.
You saw through it all so fast, with understanding, and intuition unsurpassed.

I don’t believe I’m wrong, to grasp the hand that’s offered to me strong ... and steady.
And who knows if you can pull me up
Or, if I’ll ever be ready
To go all the way with you, Sir Knight…
But for now, what feels right
Is this:
In the abyss
You're the voice in my night, the light in my dark,
And you know as well as I, that there's a spark.
There's no confusion.
Its becoming clear and I can say this to you, without fear;
You fanned the flame and lit the way,
My endless night is making room for day.

MisterJack · 02-21-2008, 04:11 PM

Theres something really honest in the content. I'm unsure if I like the format, though I don't feel that is the real issue. I think this could be condensed a bit to bring the powerful message to the forefront.
I will come back to this with some suggestions hopefully. At present, I'm struggling to offer anything as it may detract from it, especially the rhyme scheme.

Jack

missmoneypenny · 02-21-2008, 09:26 PM

Thanks Jack, this poem is a complete departure from the way I normally write, and the only thing I've managed to write since my husband died. To give you a bit of background ... 12 months after Neil's death, I started inhabiting internet chatrooms. The escapism, the humour and the banter, were infinitely preferable to the Samaritans at 3 in the morning! I chatted online a great deal with one individual in particular, he became a source of strength, support and inspiration, and to be perfectly honest, kept me sane through one of the darkest times in my life. We hardly talk online these days, but we talk on the phone almost every night, and have been known to keep the lines busy for 6 hours at a stretch! We have never met, he is my voice in the night, and this poem was written for him as if it were a part of our conversation. I'm not sure that it works either, but you're right ... it is honest.

Chelle

G. Thomas · 02-22-2008, 03:31 AM

I agree with Jack over the honesty. For me writing allows me to sort out the problems in my mind, I hope it's helping you to overcome the struggle inside.
With pieces like this, which are so dear to you, which mean a lot. Nit picking wouldn't help, so keep on chugging out the lines.

G. Thomas

MisterJack · 02-22-2008, 08:09 AM

As this is such a personal piece, I will not critique. It's difficult to rip someones work apart when it has sentimental value, which this does and it reads so.
You say it's a departure from your usual work, so, I will sit back and wait for you to post something you would normally write, which will most likely be far less personal and thus, critques would be less intrusive.

Hope to see something soon

Kind regards

Jack

missmoneypenny · 02-22-2008, 08:26 AM

Thank you. I've always used my writing as a cathartic process, but everything I'm producing at the moment sounds like the ramblings of a mad woman.
Don't worry though, I'm perfectly safe

vangoghsear · 02-22-2008, 08:33 AM

(In a thick Scottish accent)
Greetings missmoneypenny. (Hat flies from my hand and lands nonchalantly on the hat rack.) I think 'M' wants a word with me.

I agree the content comes across as very honest. My only suggestion would be to look at the the line breaks and think about cutting words that don't really impact the meaning, to make the message clearer and give it more power. You have some partial rhymes going, most are kind of hidden in the bodies of sentences. That's often fine, but may work better enhanced in this particular poem.