portray. - Writers Forum

mibellasol · 02-19-2008, 11:00 PM

So my words aren't perfect
And my heart isn't gold
My smile is crooked
And my eyes are dull
These words are meaningless
Without the proper notation
But innuendos and sad wordplay
Will never get across
These feelings of emotions
That I wish to portray

Mirror · 02-19-2008, 11:07 PM

Honest, but trite, I dare say. Emotion must be married to the utmost attention to craft; otherwise, we have bland sincerity. I'd work on it. For starters, minimize the linking verb 'to be' - you'll have a less list-like poem.

Ilasir Maroa · 02-20-2008, 12:08 AM

THis sounds like an excuse not to try anything ambitious. It probably isn't, but that's how the literal interpretaton comes across for me. I'd say this is "trite" or perhaps "cute", but I'd rather read something where you took a risk and put something out there for the butchers to dis-joint with malicious glee.

MusicSoundsBetterWithYou · 02-20-2008, 12:57 AM

My vocabulary is sub-par so i have no idea what trite means. So i won't use it.
This was okay. Nothing too bad nothing too good.
Like Mirror said, work on it.
Nice though.