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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 02-19-2008, 03:12 PM   #1
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 3
grapefruitvendor is on a distinguished road
Private Club (Somerville, MA)

Outside, in the gravel lot, we wait
our cloud-breath lightly staining the windshield

From the low slung building,
a man stumbles through the black, chilled night
Staggers,
bracing himself along the Buick
Fumbles with jangling, jagged brass
slumping,
Falling,
into the upholstery
His bleary gaze
straining,
Forcing,
pleading
As the dashboard blurs,
The Pine tree freshener rotating, then back again
in its slow routine

The Buick, monolithic for some minutes
suddenly shudders and grumbles to life

Inside this mausoleum,
under the glow of a Keno screen,
Atop the cherry-leather stools,
a State Trooper and Pipe Fitter sit,
Propped against the cheap-teak bar

The gaze of the Statie triangulates between
his Keno ticket (stuffed in a meaty hand),
The spot selections on the sky-blue monitor
and the WHDH 10 O’clock News

“I’d tackle that nigger if I seen him run”
says the Pipe Fitter
Glancing at the black charcoal sketch,
A floating simulacrum in the detective’s hand
WANTED in a South End rape

In the Men’s room the cracked linoleum is tacky
with piss
Sneakers resist (slightly),
rubber soles squeak

Our buddy, pea coat strained against his broad shoulders
shakes himself off
Into the porcelain
acidic, nitrogenous Bud Light
spatters in amber droplets onto the floor

Then into the lot, he lurches too
oblivious, for a moment, to the front seat voyeurs

The car dips with his weight in the back seat,
anise (from thick Sambuca shots) and Marlboros
Invade the crisp air

We pull out
pebbles skidding under worn Michelins,
To waste another night
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Old 02-20-2008, 09:23 AM   #2
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
MisterJack is on a distinguished road
I'm quite surprised this has reached page two already. It has a certain 'something' that I can't put my finger on that made me enjoy some of it. This is deffinately a case of you 'telling' rather than 'showing', and it rerads more as prose than poetry. I think you could do wonders with this simple concept by trimming, focusing on the importance of the message.

Just my view of course, it's your poem to do with what you will.

Welcome to the forum.


Jack
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If it claims to be God, eat it.

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