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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
02-18-2008, 09:08 PM
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#1
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Chicago
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,520
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Babbling in the Forest
Sever nonsense pens from the stipend pittance,
Like a biblical David aim at the point of least resistance,
Stone hits home claim victory over the status quo,
And leave a void in its wake where anarchy can lay its claim.
Babel towers slam their gavels, god spits on the attempt,
To subvert his whims, man refuses to repent for his sins,
Bleeding mortar, brick by brick, mans feverish attempts,
At a hubris concepts come crashing down in furious descent,
And the lap dogs unambiguously skew the forest for the trees,
Before blaming the rest for following the trend inadvertently,
Dour scowl factor sits by the wayside, waiting patiently,
Feverishly breeding for the moment when the chainsaws meet the trees,
It’s no accident the elites keep particular company,
Brick by brick rebuilding an edifice as a monument to their greed,
Then hoarsely informing the workforce that their labors won’t be needed,
Because the structure they bled and sweated over has finally been completed.
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02-18-2008, 09:15 PM
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#2
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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You are very good at what you do. VERY.
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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02-19-2008, 01:06 AM
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#3
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,987
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You could define a genre of your own, Edge. Eloquent rant. You seem to be on a roll again. I have no crits of this one on first read but I'll come back to it later.
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02-19-2008, 03:00 AM
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#4
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: st. louis, misery
Gender: Male
Posts: 436
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I love everything about this poem, especially the content.
This may be my new favorite of the board.
One criticism, You use "Bleeding" and later use "bled". I don't really like the repetition of a word like that. if you could substitute in one of the places, this poem would be perfect to me.
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"The cutting edge of this instant right here and now is always nothing less than the totality of everything there is." -Robert Pirsig
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02-19-2008, 09:07 AM
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#5
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,241
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"Eloquent rant" describes this very well Baron. Nicely done Edge.
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If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.  
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02-19-2008, 12:15 PM
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#6
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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This is a wonderful piece of spoken, edge. Riddled with rhymes and half rhymes, meticulously constructed. Not overly keen on 'attempt/attempts' so close together. Obviously the rhyme is needed there and I have nothing to offer as a replacement for either, just thought I'd point it out.
Very enjoyable and will be reading it over and over.
Jack
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If it claims to be God, eat it.
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02-19-2008, 01:07 PM
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#7
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Writer
Join Date: Feb 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 39
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Wow.
Right, so this was really impressive. Intimidating and impressive.
__________________
The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven
-John Milton
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02-19-2008, 04:53 PM
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#8
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Chicago
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,520
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I would like to think that this style is my own, but I have my suspicions. "Eloquent rant" has a nice ring to it though.
Tiny Machines, despite your perfectly valid gripe, I don't think I will change that at this time...sometimes one should simply say what one means, without rendering the situation more complex, yafeel?
Thanks you guys for all of the kind words. This and "Harvest Bargain" will be read at an open mic.
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02-19-2008, 06:10 PM
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#9
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Addict
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Ireland
Gender: Male
Posts: 149
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Edgewise
Sever nonsense pens from the stipend pittance,
And the lap dogs unambiguously skew the forest for the trees,
completed.
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I enjoyed the imagery of the poem. The above line is caught me and brought a rush of images to my mind. Nice work. |
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02-19-2008, 10:41 PM
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#10
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Chicago
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,520
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Thank you. Sorry for the self promoting bump.
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02-19-2008, 11:28 PM
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#11
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,866
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I had trouble with the rhythm here, but that could just be because I read it differently. The rhymes and sound devices were very smooth and really pulled me in. I enjoyed the subject too of course. Even though this isn't my favorite style, you always manage to get me reading it, edgy. (ambiguity intended...)
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"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."    
www.theoddvillepress.com
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02-20-2008, 12:58 AM
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#12
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Addict
Join Date: Jun 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 145
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DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN.
Is how you would say
"Wow, That was amazing," In ebonics.
Awesome job.
__________________
keyboard > pen > sword
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02-20-2008, 08:54 PM
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#13
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Chicago
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,520
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Danke sir.
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