Event: Life - Writers Forum

Katastrof · 02-16-2008, 03:44 PM

Seize the time you have,
The hourglass runs quick.
Opportunity only comes once,
But don't open the door and trip.

Patience is a virtue,
Impulsivity is a gift.
Life's a series of random events,
But you're the master of your drift.

Every choice is a fork in the road,
An ironic twist of fate.
Let logic be your guide,
But let instincts be your mate.

Regret lives in my memories,
I remember fondly this.
It will be with me forever,
But the journey's not over yet.

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Just a note, I've never written poetry before, and I've never really understood it. I wrote this one night after a hard day, mostly through inspiration. If it works, fine with me. If it doesn't, fine as well. It helped me get through a hard time and that's the only reason I wrote it.

Anyways any thoughts or opinions on it are welcome!

citygirl · 02-16-2008, 07:20 PM

I am not an expert on poetry either, but we all keep trying. Nothing original about this poem, a bit cliché I think... Anyway, it helped you get through a hard time and that is a good thing. Sometimes witting helps to bring release to our souls. I only point out this line: "Let logic by your guide," I think you mean: "be your guide, not by."

Just keep writing.....right.

Katastrof · 02-16-2008, 07:40 PM

You're right about "by", it was only a typo though because I only had a copy on paper. I found this at the start of one of my older writing notebooks (I was looking through it today to see if I had any leftover story ideas) and thought I might share it.

Like I said, I'm no poet, but it still makes me sad to think this is cliche when it came from so much emotion. Bit of a shot to one's pride saying its unoriginal; I can take having work called bad but unoriginal is like stabbing a person and then twisting the knife. I appreciate the critique though, and I did write it awhile ago, so I think I can recover.

Well, it's back to short stories for me.

citygirl · 02-16-2008, 08:09 PM

Well, like I said, I don't know too much about poetry either. I am not saying that this is a bad poem, in fact I liked it. I might be completely wrong about it being cliche or unoriginal....so don't quit writing on account of my opinion.... I would let others more seasoned writers comment before I gave up. I certainly did not mean to make you feel like I was trying to hurt you somehow. Sorry

Katastrof · 02-16-2008, 10:00 PM

S'okay, I was being a bit melodramatic. Being called unoriginal does suck though.

Edgewise · 02-16-2008, 11:14 PM

Most of this was cliche, yes, but in a relateable, down to earth way. I encourage you to keep writing.

Mirror · 02-17-2008, 08:21 AM

I don't view this poem as 'bad'; yet, I feel that you could personalize with more concreteness, more tactility, for it verges on enumeration, particularly in the middle stanzas.

Wafti · 02-17-2008, 09:08 AM

Enumeration is definately the word. It feels trivial when I know that its not.

Some of the lines feel like you've forced a rhyme, which removes the meaning.
Particularly:
"Opportunity only comes once,
But don't open the door and trip"

and:
"An ironic twist of fate.
Let logic be your guide,
But let instincts be your mate"
Especially as 'mate' is such a crass word, and doesnt fit with the heavy subject matter.

And I dont like the syntax of "I remember fondly this" as it feels awkward.

So try and iron out some of those problems and get the rhyming feeling more natural. Make your images connect and build a theme.

Definately keep writing and these things will just sort themselves anyway.