pabs

The first beat came hard to hear
I know not what the player feared
And still, and still, we marched, a wave
Both noble king and crooked knave

The second beat was drawing near
But imperfection struck my ear
And still, and still we moved as one,
Both faithless man and pious nun

The third beat rang loud and clear
But surely there was evil here
And still, and still, we would obey
Both the morbid man, the joyous fay

But why do we march to this horrid drum
When we know the horror of what's to come?

Wafti

I would normally say don’t change your syntax to suit the structure/rhyme.
But “I know not what” seems to work here.

The iambic metre isn’t perfect, but where you’ve gotten it right it works reall well here in giving lines power.

"And still, and still, we marched, a wave
Both noble king and crooked knave"


That has a lot of rhythm and though the image is hardly original or striking, it feels good because of the structure.

Because it works so well here, I really suggest you tidy it up elsewhere.

Though you can get away with it here:
“The first beat came hard to hear”
because the unexpected stress, I think, works well to give the image of that beat coming out phonetically – the jarring works.

However, I think by here I would rather the beat was more ‘absorbed’ into the overall rhythm, (as the second beat was):
"The third beat rang loud and clear”



And: “Both the morbid man, the joyous fay” seems to alter the metre for no particular positive effect.



So yeah, tidy up the iambic in places and really thinking about where and why you want to break the metre when you do - because it's an important part of your piece.





I like the repetition of ‘and still’, as it adds a running beat to the poetry which is, of course, fitting.

However, I would have felt more complete if the ‘and still’ was somehow present in the end two lines, as without it – without some kind of ‘beat’ it feels as if the drumming has stopped and we’re just standing about thinking. Which doesn’t suit the purpose/narrative of the poem.



“But surely there was evil here”
That line made me think of Yeats’ ‘The Second Coming’:
(Surely some revelation is at hand;Surely the Second Coming is at hand.)
And that is no bad thing at all... But was it intentional?




Overall your poem is nice, but not really powerful enough. The ‘beat’ doesn’t carry a beat if you understand me. Perhaps add a few layers, a bit more of an indication of the nature of this evil/ horror which is so briefly outlined? Some sense of threat rather than morose insubordination.




Just my thoughts, hope they’re helpful.