Sunsets Outside Cars - Writers Forum

ScarletMoon44 · 02-15-2008, 09:18 PM

These two sides of sunset being
Reflective of thy mangled heart's desire which
Hath driven you away with ample evidence forged
In my superfluous innocence,
Too swinging amid the colors now,
Alloting relief and yet
Dismissing passage to
An alternate expressive route
I mourn for past Dreamers justly wishing
For things inaccessible to today's world devoid
Of most things naive
The very vehicle I am perched in distributes
Ill air throughout the land and I know
That you know this and You,
Sir,
Are imbedded within my mind's eye still
Running with the ages of old ne'er
Faltering,
Reminiscent of a brilliant passers by resort
Those hands lie open so liberating
Instilling in me a strong will
I'll close this book now
The colors brighten while fading in passion
'Tis time to shut mine eyes to such a passage
All is existent,
Therefore everything evokes something

*I wrote this a little while after reading Beowulf in school..haha. Although Beowulf holds no relation to this poem aside from the style, I figured I'd mention that (shrugs)*

Crowley · 02-16-2008, 06:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScarletMoon44

Ill air throughout the land and I know
That you know this and You,
Sir,
Are imbedded within my mind's eye still
*

I didn't expect this "you know I know you know" thing to work glancing at it but actually it trips through the mind quite well especially as you ground it with the "sir" all on it's own. However some of the arrangements and enjambments ealier didn't quite ring true i.e being and which perhaps shouldn't be left to stick out at the end of the lines like that...

MisterJack · 02-16-2008, 06:56 AM

I really quite liked this. It has a freshness to it. It could do with a slight trim and as crowley mentions, some of the enjambments need fixing.
Love the title

. Not so keen on 'ne'er' or 'tis', but I'm having this discussion with another poet on this site already

I look forward to seeing what you do with it.

Jack

ScarletMoon44 · 02-16-2008, 02:44 PM

Quote:

I didn't expect this "you know I know you know" thing to work out glancing at it but actually it trips through the mind quite well especially as you ground it with the "sir" all on it's own.However some of the arrangements and enjambments earlier didn't quite ring true i.e being and which perhaps shouldn't be left to stick out at the end of lines like that...

Thank you! I tried my best to make that part fit. I really did write this while sitting in a car and on the inside cover of my Princess Bride book (haha). I will work on the arrangements as you suggested/the endings of lines. gracias, amigo

ScarletMoon44 · 02-16-2008, 02:57 PM

Thank you so much Jack for stopping by with these kind words =) I actually just thought up the title write before I posted it and I'm glad you liked it that much! The whole "tis" and "ne'er" came w/ the Beowulf influence and my obsession with old English.. good to see you had a chat w/ someone about that
thanks agaiiin
XX~Scarlet~XX