Shawn

My first in a while, sad to say. I liked and tried to keep the rhythm that starts on line three, but I feel the metaphor is too vague to be found.

Furniture

On the carpet rests a chair that's overdone.
Darkened, in the corner, effortlessly in the shadow.
What sits on maple's plateau, pall?
Shallow, puerile scratches meet
in star-like patterns on the back
and in it takes a letter made
in jagged, weathered, wilted cracks.
Upon it sits a pillowed wreath,
surrounding dimpled buttons sewn.
A jilted support hangs beneath,
collapsing legs under it crowned.
It lies in pieces on the floor,
with dust and cobwebs in its hair,
remnant fabric it once wore
cling to splinters, comely fare.

Ilasir Maroa

The metaphor is a bit vague. All I can think of is a person, but after that, I have nothing.

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MisterJack

Nice images, though yes, it's too vague, Shawn.

The rhythm faltered a little on this line for me......

A jilted support hangs beneath

felt like 'support' needed to be hyphenated or replaced.

Good to see you writing here again.

Jack

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Wafti

I’m with the others on your metaphor, and there are some bits which I particularly want to highlight.

“Effortlessly in the shadow”
you’ve taken lengths (4 syllables) to add in ‘effortlessly’ but it adds nothing. Everything is effortlessly in shadow because shadow falls upon things, you have to take efforts to get out of the shadow. The word seems misplaced as well as awkward.

I like, “jagged, weathered, wilted” as a rhetorical triplet, because it loses its energy through the list: ‘jagged’ is harsh and sharp, ‘weathered’ is beaten, and ‘wilted’ into submission. So the list is good, but it feels a tad awkward in its metre.

“pillowed wreath” do you know what does ‘pillowed’ means? Because it doesn’t fit here. It’s meant to describe the act of an object having provided a pillow, a verb (e.g. the grass pillowed his head) yet you’ve used it as an adjective, as if the wreath has become more ‘pillow-like’, which certainly doesn’t make sense. Excuse me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think I am.

‘dimpled buttons’ is a nice description, but that sentence ends in ‘sewn’ and, especially because of the structure, all the emphasis falls on it, and it stumbles under the weight.

I’m a bit confused as to the meaning of ‘comely fare’ as ‘fare’ alone has several distinct meanings and none of them seem to fit. It feels to me like you added it using the ‘ABC’ rhyme method regardless to its meaning. Again correct me if I’m wrong.




As to the overall ambiguity, you may want it, but its offering no favours. I really cant discern anything from this poem other than some interesting descriptions and some not-so. I’m guessing the whole ‘crown/wreath’ thing is important, making me think of Miss Havisham from ‘Great Expectations’ but only loosely.

Sorry to come on this hard, but I think it needs it.