Oh, What A Beautiful Life - Writers Forum

MisterJack · 02-15-2008, 11:49 AM

edited

Pete_C · 02-15-2008, 12:00 PM

Man, you need to cheer up. Think about puppies and spring blossom and stuff.

No, really, this has one of the finest bits of observational writing in it that I have read for decades. It's a moment so pure that the rest of the poem just disolves around it.

"I chose to live with this tramp whore
and her filthy habits.
Her slippers that stick
to the kitchen floor
then clap to her heels."

I'm afraid that for me, that embarrasses the rest of the poem into a corner. It's inspired and so simple; a gem!

You've made my day, and I shall not say another negative thing about any poem for 24 hours!

Baron · 02-15-2008, 12:00 PM

This one doesn't really do it for me. I just see a heavy picture that the wit isn't strong enough to counter.

For me with Squalor · 02-15-2008, 12:26 PM

Grotesque and gold-digging reality I like it

Some Suggestions:

Quote:

Open the door: to a death sentence.
The stench of pissed in nappies.

Blatant abuse of an ironing board
as she steams with popeye forearms,
tattooed, smoking a pipe.
Dripping spittle from the corner
of her 'ug-ug-ug-ug' mouth. (nasty, I like it!)

But then,
I chose to live with this tramp whore (I dunno if you need both words here, it makes
and her filthy habits. this line kind of long)
Her slippers that stick
to the kitchen floor
then clap to her heels. (great image)

Her frozen yoghurt sundaes
and bitumen laugh
through chapped lips
that I haven’t kissed for twenty years
for fear of fungal infection; (too many 'for'-s in the same place, maybe replace or worse, the first one with 'in')
yeast!

Can’t afford a divorce,
she’d milk me
like a fat-uddered cow.
Then I’d be the one
stinking of pissed in nappies.

You don't have to take it very seriously as I am not an experienced critic, so Its just my 1 cent really. I like the irony of the title, when I first read it I was saying to myself, not another happy times poem

guess not!
Good read.

Mirror · 02-15-2008, 03:12 PM

Great work, Jack. There's something so distilled about this. Honest, forward, and strangely poignant. My only suggestion would be to rectify the punctuation in the initial couplet so as to better incorporate the second verse to the first one.

vangoghsear · 02-15-2008, 03:25 PM

Is this the other reason of which you spoke in response to my poem? I agree with Pete on the observational work here. Some of the images are really good (uh, disgusting, but good)

.

MisterJack · 02-15-2008, 04:52 PM

Pete, thanks mate, really appreciate those comments. You on the Vodka again?

This is the second piece where you've pin-pointed something exceptional wrapped in toilet paper

. You don't even like the 'bitumen Laugh'?

Baron, I always appreciate your input, and if it doesn't work for you, there's obviously very good reason. Thanks for reading and commenting.

FmwS, I will apply one of those changes, thanks for pointing them out, you're doing just fine mate.

Mirror, are you refering to me adding a semi or some such instead of having the stop at the end of the couplet? Glad it worked for you and I thank you also for your valued insight.

Van, yes, something like that

, the images were supposed to be vile. It's a conglomoration of man's life with this partner, and also a reflection of self.

Thanks for reading and comments so far folks, greatly appreciated.

Jack

Baron · 02-16-2008, 03:48 AM

I think I'd like to see on image that contrasts the darkness of this piece.

For me with Squalor · 02-16-2008, 05:17 AM

Sure thing Jack, glad to be of service. This piece is still kicking ass after another read!

Crowley · 02-16-2008, 06:43 AM

This is a great follow on from your last "scene of domestic bliss" however I'd agree with Baron that some of the magic of your writing is lost in the fact that, where usually the gut wrenching misery is balanced with humour, the humour here just seems to ring hollow. Perhaps this is intentional but I'm not sure it works.

MisterJack · 02-16-2008, 07:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by For me with Squalor

Sure thing Jack, glad to be of service. This piece is still kicking ass after another read!

Thanks FmwS.

Baron, Crowley, I will look at this again and may inject something subtle humour-wise. It's supposed to be dark, yet also sarcastic, not neccessarily funny. I will review.

Thanks folks

Jack

For me with Squalor · 02-16-2008, 10:24 AM

Hohoho, 'tell her its parmesan'.....inspired Jack, that new stanza is really good, I'm repeating myself like a moron, but there is nothing else to say about it, domestic and inspired. I love it!

Pete_C · 02-16-2008, 11:49 AM

Okay, I'm the wrong side of a case of 1664 and bottle of Stolli, and my Missus isn't talking to me because I've recently disclosed that I'm off to Vegas for a week to shoot craps on the pretense of doing some writing, so I'm off soon to cook her some Mallard with Foie Gras and Truffles to suck up and maybe get a night of peace and banjo music. All I can say is what I think!

You had a poem that, whilst not being mediocre, wasn't sterling. However, inside it was a gem of a stanza that really overshadowed all of the rest. Like a reduction, I would have nurtured the essence of the stanza and used it to generate a solid and fucking outstanding poem. It has reality, grit and truth (the stanza, not my 1664, well, yes, my 1664 has it too, but you know what I mean). It WILL NOT be everyone's cup of tea. I recognised it immediately because I had fucking well been there. Maybe not for so many years, but that slap onto the sole said it all.

So, what do you do? Condense that essence? No, you drag in some unbelievable stanza about fucking limescale being cheese. For fuck's sake, you might have got away with dried vomit, but really, you've torn the heart from a startling observation and made into some fucking ugly sit-com.

Have faith; you have a gift. It's just for the ugly, and most people don't do ugly.

Don't pander to the Terry and June whims, and do the right thing.