Padders

Vipers bite upon a throat
Drawn strong breath of eighty-nine year.
Mocks of healthy living, come light a fag or two…
Pickle you in the vapours of an alcoholic brew

Way of life…so not you…Dignified as ever

No antidote for life’s last cruel bite,
Sorry wanted…wished best for you.
Fairytale ending…naive…us never
Let go in your sleep, sweet dreams…

Someone tell the fight to go, switch of the crystal mind
Sorry active body this murderers chose its time…

Want to erupt with anger, see the sun come crashing down
Shout loud about no justice…it’s so not bloody fare
Eighty-nine years of living…let it go…just leave it there…

Change it to ‘Cancer Cottage’; put the death sign on the door…
Stand by queue of griever’s…most never met before

Tears…no… I’m not crying
Insult to you…I’d never dare

Way of life… so not you…dignified as ever.

Can’t win this fight…I’m sorry
It's the battle… you Will fall
Trust me; let me go now…
I’m safe and you did well.

I’m dead, but it’s you that’s dying
One lady…my whole family life

Someone tell the fight to go, switch of the crystal mind
Sorry active body, this muderers chose it’s time…

Let go in your sleep, sweet dreams…






I have no idea about punctuation or lay-out as you can probably tell, in my defence all i can say is that i had no school education...home taught and English wasn't a high priority, parents were into saving the Earth, Whale, Whatever...very green. Not that i'm putting them down not at all i had a great childhood...just diffrent.

Will shut up now just nervous as it's the first time someones read my stuff, any feedback would be great thanks.

Shawn

It's poetry, surely. You've put a lot of your subconscious into this, I can tell. But when it comes to composing things like this, I think it pays best to be a bit cerebral. A lot of interesting images. I particularly liked 'Cancer's Cottage.'

Try slimming down your lines, perhaps using a bit of meter. (try using a trochee, it's my favorite at the moment)

littlegirlblue

Nice. I understand that you what to learn and get all the technical "stuff" down...but from one beginner to another I just wanted to say that the tone of the piece was so strong and lovingly sad I forgot to look for imperfections Lovely.

__________________
Little Girl Blue
"All the great ones have tortured souls."

Padders

Thank you both for taking the time to comment, it means a lot.

This was written about 4 years ago and when i read it i'm transformed back to the emotions and events of that time, so as a personal piece of journal writing thats very precious to me. But as a piece of poetry i see it needs much more work...if not starting again.