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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
02-14-2008, 01:31 PM
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#16
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 778
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All right, I'll put it conventionally "do not befoul this Earth". Or do you see 'befoul' as a 'bad' word?
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Where the barmen have their names etched in salt; earthy and honest like their fathers. -- MisterJack
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02-14-2008, 01:34 PM
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#17
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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You could just restructure that to either....
Baby born from tree
the fruit of which you eat.
Kneel you wanderers,
befoul not this earth;
child must grow, not hunch.
or
Baby born from tree
the fruit of which you eat.
Kneel you wanderers, befoul
not this earth;
child must grow, not hunch.
I personally prefer the former
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If it claims to be God, eat it.
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02-14-2008, 01:37 PM
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#18
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 778
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Thank you, Jack. I restructured it - using the former version you offered.
Does 'do not befoul this earth' sound better than 'befoul not this earth", or does the latter aid the flow?
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Where the barmen have their names etched in salt; earthy and honest like their fathers. -- MisterJack
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02-14-2008, 01:47 PM
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#19
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Best Seller
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Britain
Gender: Male
Posts: 660
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By bad words, I meant words in the wrong places.
But 'befoul' isn't causing the problem for me.
It's just the way 'Befoul not this earth' reads.
It's probably the strongest line of the poem, so to cut it in half spoils it a tad.
I think the 1st edited stanza by MisterJack works better for that reason to be honest.
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"In the end it is impossible not to become what others think you are." - Julius Caesar
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02-14-2008, 01:51 PM
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#20
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 778
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Thanks, for the confirmation, Pale Gallery.
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Where the barmen have their names etched in salt; earthy and honest like their fathers. -- MisterJack
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02-14-2008, 05:04 PM
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#21
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pale Gallery
It's probably the strongest line of the poem, so to cut it in half spoils it a tad.
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This is also why I personally prefered the first offering. I wasn't sure if you wanted that phrase broken. It is the strongest phrase in the piece and the edit has really transformed this into a much more coherent and accessible read.
Although, do you need 'child's charred chest'? The 'ch' sounds seem quite abrasive alliterally(?) when I read over.
Just a thought.
Good work Mirror.
Jack
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If it claims to be God, eat it.
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Last edited by MisterJack : 02-14-2008 at 05:33 PM.
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02-14-2008, 07:02 PM
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#22
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 778
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Thanks, Jack.
It's my tendency toward over-enjambment. I worry predictability of line breaks. I'm glad you and Pale Gallery brought it to my attention. Will think about 'child's charred chest'. I intended to put something about black-eyed flames (which would have moved 'charred' a verse down) but decided against it. I don't wish to scrap this piece; hopefully a few more edits will improve it. Thanks again for the help. Always appreciated.
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Where the barmen have their names etched in salt; earthy and honest like their fathers. -- MisterJack
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02-14-2008, 07:10 PM
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#23
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,903
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As it is now, this works for me. I wonder if you read any of dannyboy's pinnochio series? This brought them to mind and you might get something out of reading them. the most memorable title for me is "Farewell Geppetto". If you run a search for that one then you'll find the series posted around the same time period.
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02-14-2008, 07:12 PM
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#24
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,675
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"Fair seed that grows moderate" I don't get it.
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02-14-2008, 07:38 PM
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#25
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 778
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OK, Baron, I opened Danny boy's profile. Read "Farewelling Geppetto" and "Geppetto find the stone" (it will take a while to peruse his entire repertoire). Beautiful poems, especially the verse "tears slide where leaves once sprouted" (paraphrase). I see what you mean about the 'earth child' presented in my piece. Glad it worked for you.
Ilasir, the 'seed' is the 'tear' shed at the precariousness of the babies' position - it starts to grow, slowly, moderately - bittersweet beginning.
J.R. Mac Lean from L.M. suggested another version of that verse, which I will insert, upon replying to him (and to Jeremy).
Thank, all.
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Where the barmen have their names etched in salt; earthy and honest like their fathers. -- MisterJack
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02-14-2008, 07:57 PM
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#26
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 778
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Made a few more edits. Let me know what you think.
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Where the barmen have their names etched in salt; earthy and honest like their fathers. -- MisterJack
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02-17-2008, 05:29 PM
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#27
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: BC Canada
Gender: Female
Posts: 236
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Mirror, your talent is amazing!
Last edited by citygirl : 02-17-2008 at 05:32 PM.
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02-17-2008, 05:59 PM
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#28
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,903
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A beautiful poem.
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02-17-2008, 08:32 PM
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#29
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 778
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Someone resurrected this. Thanks, city girl. I'm quite flattered.
Baron, my good sir, thank you.
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Where the barmen have their names etched in salt; earthy and honest like their fathers. -- MisterJack
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02-28-2008, 09:59 PM
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#30
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,240
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mirror
See how pale cheek darkens,
and lightening lines forehead?
Laugh not, rampant laborers;
this day is no tavern
where soil eats roses in vases.
Baby borne from tree,
fruit of which you eat.
Kneel, you wanderers.
Do not befoul this earth;
child must grow, not hunch.
Ah, you throw a dance,
thorns pierce veins, entwine!
What wine sips your lips
when hands crush fireflies
in child's charred chest?
Yet, the tree is deep;
roots crack stones beneath.
Babies do not fall
like apples in September.
A tear hollows cheek-
fair seed that shelters
midst fecund sinews.
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The sexual/conception overtones in this are strong. There is also a mood of abandonment and loss. This is another dark and close piece (nothing wrong with that mood, just an observation).
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