King of Hearts - Writers Forum

Crowley · 02-13-2008, 10:21 AM

A sweep of highlighted hair
fictional female hearts race
all those beauty queens
who sat not too far away from him
he meant to love
he’s too fast though
to give a hand of hearts

there have been girls
who cried for him
he grinned for them
screwed the next piece
that showed a moment
of weakness, gave a crap
Is he gonna love?
when she comes around
probably won’t see her
for the blonde stuck to his face.

The girl left behind... · 02-13-2008, 01:03 PM

Lol,

I really had to read it a second time to get it but i liked it.. odd, but i liked it.

Baron · 02-13-2008, 01:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crowley

A sweep of highlighted hair A better beat if you drop this
fictitious female hearts race Again, better beat
all those beauty queens
who sat not too far away from him same
he meant to love
he’s too fast to give same
a hand of hearts

there have been girls
who cried for him
he grinned then screwed
the next piece that showed
a moment's weakness,
gave a crap
Is he gonna love?
when she comes round
or will he see her
for the blonde stuck to his face.

The words highlighted in red I've played with to get a better beat. Some suggestions for you to work with perhaps.

vangoghsear · 02-13-2008, 02:16 PM

Some of Baron's suggestions work pretty good. I think this is a cool little piece, but it also could use some solid imagery to carry it. Some descriptive image to describe the guy and move us into our imagination.