Say a Change - Writers Forum

SadLuckDame · 02-12-2008, 08:13 PM

Baby was all hippy
bell jingle ankle, seed bead hair
likes her acoustic boys
sing flowers, toke grass
go skimpy, au natural
hunny ya like bare?

Girlie had it all together
knew which way to walk
life dance a spiral
in tall tall lawns
had her sandals on

mystery walked in door
handsome
expresses; he likes sexy ladies
give him a manicure
moisturized thick skin
smells of shaved chin
sharp razor real close

Baby likes her acoustic boys

play baseball 5 days a week
intelligent college boy
read books
write big words
she needs a dictionary

screaming jock! jock!
sophisticated, goodie 2 shoes
a girl like that
never looks
at a boy like him
shirt pressed, dry cleaned

Now her head has big words
taunting her
look in book store
beat generation; controversial
forgotten 6 strings,
hunt for ding ding ding
on dusty shelves
alphabetical order
dreamin' of shiny black shoes
asking who wrote who

Baby likes her mystery man

Mirror · 02-12-2008, 08:28 PM

'Acoustic boys' - what a great concept!

Your tone wavers between compassionate and mocking.

Even the minimal punctuation works in this piece - each verse a separate sliver.

It has a sketchbook feel, which I love, primarily due to its occasional subject-verb disjointedness. A lively read, Sad, once again. Keep them coming.

Best,
Mirror

Baron · 02-12-2008, 09:06 PM

I have to agree with Mirror on this one. Nice work.

SadLuckDame · 02-13-2008, 07:47 AM

Thank you Mirror you always have such great words for me, I appreciate it and Baron. I went back through to cut some extra descriptive words that really added nothing extra to the poem, cleaned it up a bit. I tried to limit the "ing" Baron for this one, I'm so addicted to the sound. I know I'm improving a bit each one, thanks to the time and crits.

vangoghsear · 02-13-2008, 09:14 AM

I would like to see more of the image creating phrases like "acoustic boys" used throughout this piece, such as to describe "hippy" and "mystery man."

Overall, I liked this. Good work Sad.

SadLuckDame · 02-13-2008, 10:15 AM

Thank you Van, yeah me too except I was going for sterotypes; hippy, baby, jock, mystery man. Needed the labels was what I was thinking. I could be way off though, and maybe it is just coming across cheesy, to fake?

apple · 02-13-2008, 11:33 AM

I've got my head movin', I've got a gyration in my walk and i feel a real vulnerability when I read this. The rhythm and movement is great. I like your work SLD. So good

vangoghsear · 02-13-2008, 11:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SadLuckDame

Thank you Van, yeah me too except I was going for sterotypes; hippy, baby, jock, mystery man. Needed the labels was what I was thinking. I could be way off though, and maybe it is just coming across cheesy, to fake?

No, I get it now. They seem backed up by original imagery in the stanzas, so no problem.

SadLuckDame · 02-13-2008, 12:10 PM

It's a little bit blondish, but I'll explain my motives behind it. I just like to pick the character, housewife, runway model, grandma, cheating wife, jock...because when anyone meets anyone else for the first time immediately before communicating a sterotype forms. So always first character, then the character becomes "real". I like to do that, pick the character then breath the life into them. Feels like acting with just words I guess. So my apologies if ever it comes across dumb blondish, but I just get a real kick out of it.

MisterJack · 02-13-2008, 02:31 PM

I can only echo everyone elses sentiments on this one. Great read and i too loved the 'acoustic boys'.

Thanks for sharing once again. Look forward to your next piece

Jack

For me with Squalor · 02-13-2008, 02:41 PM

There is so many things that I like about this poem so I'm not gonna single out one particular. I'm just gonna say that when hippy met suit on this page, something really good happened!