The Desert King - Writers Forum

rcallaci · 02-12-2008, 02:40 PM

note: a slightly different version from the one in the challenge.

The Desert King

You
are but
a speck of dust
a mere dot on an empty page
an insignificant afterthought
amongst this vast desert
of beauty and desolation
which I alone
created

You
have polluted
my glorious landscape
with your petty whims
obscene desires
and arrogant need
to control and manipulate
things
not of your domain

understanding is not
a virtue you possess
for if you did
you would then
know my
name

Crimson Light
Desert Night
Never again
a SpiritBright
GODS’ Word was spoken
burnt and scarred
wings seared
bones broken
cast out
forgotten
thrown aside
for an act of pride
I fell
Made My Hell
and devour all
Who Enter

and that means

YOU

you dung infested arrogant little bastards…

MisterJack · 02-12-2008, 02:55 PM

That was a quirky piece rcallaci. I enjoyed reading the entry and noticed that perhaps.......

a mere dot on a empty page

should be

a mere dot on an empty page?

I liked the addition of 'dung infested'

Good poem. Shame we don't see more of your work on the forum.

Jack

Baron · 02-12-2008, 04:10 PM

Still didn't correct that typo...

SadLuckDame · 02-12-2008, 06:46 PM

It was wicked and fun, "she" will be inconsolable after reading it. Enjoyed this piece!

rcallaci · 02-12-2008, 06:49 PM

Baron

just a little hint - Now I know SpiritBright is not the correct usage but I claim poetic licence on that one- also my use of capitols is not done within the normal rules but again I claim poetic licence on that as well. I corrected the misplaced apostrophe on GOD's to GODS' and corrected the a to an with Misterjacks astute eye.

In the first two words of the poem I use (you are) rather than (you're ) because I felt it sounded better. I checked all the spellings and what nots and now I'm stumped.

just a little hint is all that is asked

my warmest
bob

Baron · 02-12-2008, 07:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rcallaci

Baron

just a little hint - Now I know SpiritBright is not the correct usage but I claim poetic licence on that one- also my use of capitols is not done within the normal rules but again I claim poetic licence on that as well. I corrected the misplaced apostrophe on GOD's to GODS' and corrected the a to an with Misterjacks astute eye.

In the first two words of the poem I use (you are) rather than (you're ) because I felt it sounded better. I checked all the spellings and what nots and now I'm stumped.

just a little hint is all that is asked

my warmest
bob

It was the "a" - "an" that I was picking up on, Bob. I think that the revisions on this have made for a much stronger piece of work.

Ilasir Maroa · 02-12-2008, 07:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rcallaci

note: a slightly different version from the one in the challenge.

The Desert King

You
are but
a speck of dust
a mere dot on an empty page
an insignificant afterthought
amongst this vast desert
of beauty and desolation
which I alone
created

You
have polluted
my glorious landscape
with your petty whims
obscene desires
and arrogant need
to control and manipulate
things
not of your domain

understanding is not
a virtue you possess
for if you did
you would then
know my
name

Crimson Light
Desert Night
Never again
a SpiritBright
GODS’ Word was spoken
burnt and scarred
wings seared
bones broken
cast out
forgotten
thrown aside
for an act of pride
I fell
Made My Hell
and devour all
Who Enter

and that means

YOU

you dung infested arrogant little bastards…

Only issue right now is the highlighted "and" which I think could be removed for a better flow.