Text messages at midnight - Writers Forum

Crowley · 02-12-2008, 09:42 AM

Glower at the glow
of an LCD screen
pray for the reply
that will settle your throbbing blood
and save your heart from beating out your chest
like a fist upon a firmly locked door.

The conversation ever rehearsed
in the cacophony of your skull
till it was an all consuming noise
will she comply to your script?
or set about a discord

pick it up, put it down
check the time again
five minutes now and still no answer
something must be wrong
perhaps she is saying no
is she just not there

the screech of the tone
deafens the anticipating silence
but can you bring yourself
to look into the square of light
and see what it is going to be

does it mean anything at all?
love expressed in a few black dots
marks on a face of pure light.

Baron · 02-12-2008, 10:52 AM

I don't think that this quite makes it. The last stanza, to me is a weak finish and kills the expectation that the poem creates.

Crowley · 02-12-2008, 11:05 AM

I'd have to agree it's not a very strong one more of a thematic experiment really. I don't want to throw out the ending as it is the conclusion to the idea I was experimenting with but perhaps I should put something between it and the rest of the poem.

For me with Squalor · 02-12-2008, 05:37 PM

Yes not as strong as this subject has potential to be. Try to say more with less perhaps.
Its a little too clear. I like the idea but the execution lacks! Keep working.

dannyboy · 02-13-2008, 01:35 AM

again you tell us too much. Take out the stuff that tells the reader, give us the actions/the images of this desperado texting late at night - we'll get the idea from the images and from the title - the title works to do this.

I have it · 02-13-2008, 01:38 AM

I think the content is interesting bc of how we communicate very little person to person anymore. The age of land lines and memos stuck to the counter is over...now our hearts rely on phones to tell us if we are going to get any action. how dull, not your poem...hahaha text messaging when it pertains to dating.!

Crowley · 02-13-2008, 04:35 AM

Thanks v much everyone. I think this "overtelling the story" thing is a general failing in my style as it came up alot with the last one as well. I'll think long and hard about how to change that before I post the next...

dannyboy · 02-13-2008, 04:38 AM

read some of the imagists (Pound etc) poems and some of their ideas - while we do not need to accept it all, the central idea that the image should do all the work is worth thinking about.