vangoghsear

Now that the contest is over, comments?

The Desert Rose

Creativity is a rose
planted, centered,
in a desert.

Withered from crossing
petals parch
dehydrate, dry
footfalls fill with
suffocating sand.

Time is a water drop
prism splitting
scorching sunlight
in four directions
the colors absorbed
in the bland
surrounding sands
of life,
and death,
desperation
and banal work.

Moisture gone, given
to the endlessly pale
bone billowed granules:
earth’s hardened, wrinkled skin

that lacks and steals
imagination
that lacks and steals
ingenuity
that lacks and steals
individuality
that lacks and steals
originality: the soul of creation
and sucks with vigor
the spirit from its roots.

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If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Baron

A good poem, Van. The repetition of "that lacks and steals" in the last stanza doesn't work for me. Apart from that, good poem.

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MisterJack

I agree with the repeats not working for me also. That final stanza, is it needed? How about....

Moisture gone, given
to the endlessly pale
bone billowed granules:
earth’s hardened, wrinkled skin
the soul of creation
sucks with vigor
the spirit from its roots.


I don't know how much the ommitted pieces mean to you but it reads a bit better like this for me.

I enjoyed reading it each time I went to the competition page though


Jack

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If it claims to be God, eat it.

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vangoghsear

The repetition and sameness was intended to allow the reader to feel what the poem expresses: the banal workaday world kills creativity substituting repetition, as in the middle of a sand desert each of the four ways you may turn will look pretty much the same.

__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.

dannyboy

I agree that the last stanza weakens the poem. I'd prefer you ended on the second last S.

SadLuckDame

I thought about this, and the comments, but honestly I liked the ending the first time I read it. It didn't seem over board at all because you had ended it neatly with "Originality: the soul of creation..." For me when reading, it worked out nicely.

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Well, it was a nice check, Kitty, and really I might have won, if it hadn't been for that nasty Knight, that came wriggling down among my pieces. Kitty, dear, let's pretend -- -" And here I wish I could tell you half the things Alice used to say, beginning with her favorite phrase "Let's pretend."
written by Lewis Carroll

vangoghsear

Exactly, Sad. Tension, then release. Adds power to the last line supposedly. That was the idea. I guess it doesn't work for everyone.

__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.