Crowley

Why can’t you have a funeral
for a person who is still alive?
Their body walks and talks
yet they did not survive
what beset them
I wish to read a eulogy
for a person who still walks the earth
some poignant, heart felt poetry
of their futile birth
of their new self
I miss my one true love
she speaks to me no more
she never went above
she just became a whore.

__________________
Crowley, out...

MisterJack

Interesting idea. I think this piece itself is a bit 'flat' but there is a theme here that could work really well. Rather than trying to force rhymes, make it free verse perhaps. Bring some imagery into it like coffins, rooms full of people at a wake, flowers, suits, tributes, drinks, nibbles. Just trying to throw some inspiration your way.

Hope this helps and I'd be interested to see what you do from here.

jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

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Crowley

V good point. Hadn't thought of it that way. I'll have a little re-write and post an improved version later on. Glad you liked the theme though.

__________________
Crowley, out...

Crowley

Why can’t you have a funeral
for a person who is still alive?
Their body walks and talks
…and sleeps around
I wish to read a eulogy
for a person who still walks the earth
some poignant, heart felt poetry
declare them dead before a court
and scream to a congregation
of friends abandoned
who love them still.
Will some unknown priest
speak of the heaven of vodka’s
where they live around a pole?
“I’ll care when I’m in a box”
Does a red lit box room count?
I miss my one true love
Though I still see her face sometimes
she’s gone lower than six foot
she just became a whore.

Better? I don't think it's quite what you meant but it seemed to work...

__________________
Crowley, out...

MisterJack

I'm not sure the ending is working for this. In my original post i was trying to suggest that you create a more firm image for the reader to grasp. You have made improvements but the piece still feels 'flat'. There's no rush, take your time and think about what you want to reader to feel from this.

Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

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apple

Her coffin pulses red inside
she lies with open thighs
and money strewn like petals.

This is meager attempt to show you how to use imagery in a more graphic way. It's really fun to try and conjure up different ways to 'show" what you're saying. I like your second version better, but I think this poem could really take off if it were more visual and ugly.

For me with Squalor

Very inspiring idea, definitely some potential there, trim it a little strengthen the images, maybe toy around with enjambment on some of the longer clumsier lines, and you could have a really strong piece here.

__________________
Alcohol is the best deal out there!
From what other product's price do you get 40% back from?

For me with Squalor

PS: Great 3 lines apple!

__________________
Alcohol is the best deal out there!
From what other product's price do you get 40% back from?

SadLuckDame

I like the whore ending personally. I agree, it was a little flat but enhance the story and it should work great. Just do it with "heart" as you originally did writing it in the first place. Juice it up but with the same visions you initially had that inspired you to write it.

__________________
Well, it was a nice check, Kitty, and really I might have won, if it hadn't been for that nasty Knight, that came wriggling down among my pieces. Kitty, dear, let's pretend -- -" And here I wish I could tell you half the things Alice used to say, beginning with her favorite phrase "Let's pretend."
written by Lewis Carroll

A-L

I do like the idea and i actually laughed at the end but perhaps a little bit more.

dannyboy

I'd scrap telling us your idea in the opening. Ditch the question, set the scene, have the voice give th eulogy and have the 'dead' (she the whore?) person reply.