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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
02-11-2008, 02:55 PM
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#1
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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Cetacean Fire
Cetacean Fire
Course through night liquid.
Viking heirs move silent;
harpoons poised,
callus hands, cigars
and hard faces.
Settled seas disrupted.
Heavy movement
beneath cockled shiplap
rises to cough water.
Song of Icelandic sopranos
haunts the mariner’s Vodka;
seated before dancing heat,
swallowed before dawn.
.
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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Last edited by MisterJack : 02-12-2008 at 05:23 PM.
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02-11-2008, 05:17 PM
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#2
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,917
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I'm having difficulty relating vodka to vikings, I suppose that they both start with a v...
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02-11-2008, 05:20 PM
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#3
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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Reyka is an Icelandic vodka  . Not that I know much about booze 
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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02-11-2008, 05:33 PM
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#4
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,917
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Congrats on the competition result, by the way.  |
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02-12-2008, 09:56 AM
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#5
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
Congrats on the competition result, by the way. |
 . Not bad.
Any thoughts on this piece? Is it working? Too vague?
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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02-12-2008, 10:58 AM
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#6
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,917
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This one's is a little vague to me, Jack. It's a pleasant read and I like the change of voice but it goes by me.
Last edited by Baron : 02-12-2008 at 11:45 AM.
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02-12-2008, 11:05 AM
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#7
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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Do you want me to throw a couple more lines in. I have a few ideas from when I worked this, just need to find the scribbles 
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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02-12-2008, 11:47 AM
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#8
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,917
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterJack
Do you want me to throw a couple more lines in. I have a few ideas from when I worked this, just need to find the scribbles |
I think that you could develope it. Mine is only one view, however. It might be good to get some more comments on this. I'm surprised that there haven't been any. I haven't been online for most of the day and was surprised to find that there had been no further comments since last night. |
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02-12-2008, 04:14 PM
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#9
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
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I've done an edit for clarity. I hope it hasn't lost it's mysticism.
Any thoughts?
Jack
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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02-12-2008, 05:25 PM
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#10
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Addict
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: In post-Communistic territory
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Jack I really enjoyed this, although its a little vague I still got the feel of it, very much (maybe because I really like vikings and vodka) It could use maybe a few more lines as it slips by very quickly sort of leaving us not completely satisfied. But to me it works and It speaks to me. As far as an edit I'm tired right now so I didn't see anything just yet that I would change.
It also gave me an idea for a poem that I've been wanting to write!
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Alcohol is the best deal out there!
What other product do you get 40% back from?
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02-13-2008, 10:40 AM
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#11
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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Thanks for reading, For me with Squalor. Just out of interest, what did you read from this?
Jack
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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