deep six - Writers Forum

plaindealingvillain · 02-10-2008, 01:08 PM

a cold delivery booked back
when she said she would deliver me
more than my fair share of skin.
well, of course, she lied. frigid
like bath water left overnight;
those bubbles of air more poignant
than anything i could ever compose.

in the orthodox church i watched
as those for whom death is a
prior engagement wept. she told
me that she had slept for at least
three days straight. you should
have seen the rotten look on my
rotten face. "how can i pretend to
feel sorry for those that have died?
isn't that narcissism?" i lied.

she cried when i tore it
all off the curtain rail too. that was
a dastardly day, if i remember truly,
duly filled with conceit and pejoratives
as far as the eye could see. with vision
like mine, i knew i was in for a rough ride.

down then, she went, knew always
that that heaven sent scent on my bed
would linger for hours rather than minutes
and that sooner or later she'd have to leave me
to become a doctor or a nurse or a babysitter.
nothing is more fitting than the strip lighting
illuminating the pages of the book she reads
on the train on the way back from the big city.

i know, i know; i'm still prone to thinking of
how i let it go in motorway service stations.
walking out of the cubicles towards the queues
for hastily made coffee, i'd spot legs going on
for eternity, more than enough to smother me
and to tear me away from the moorings. i don't
regret a single thing. not yet anyway.

these lines run perpendicular to the things
you don't ever even attempt to say. i can't help
but feel sorry for someone so in need of
cynicism as you are. she said she was saving
up for the future and i joked, to myself, what for?
for a plot of land to lay down in once dead?
for the headstone, the engraving, the bastardly
clergyman's charge or, god forbid, the wake?

it seems wise, now, on second thought, for you
to pay for your loved ones to get hammered
once they've put you in the ground.
here's hoping you have any loved ones
who will bother to stick around.

citygirl · 02-10-2008, 08:56 PM

I am not sure what to say about this poem...

It is rather long, but that does not mean it is bad. I am not fond of long poems. Keep writing, I will visit again....

plaindealingvillain · 02-14-2008, 09:18 AM

does this deserve to be bumped? i would hope so.

Eiji Tunsinagi · 02-14-2008, 09:31 AM

It did feel a little long - or, maybe, heavy - long poems aren't always a bad thing, I just felt it didn't hold itself or go anywhere enough. Also, the rhyming felt inappropriate to the subject (at least how it was used)

Keep trying though.

nia mora · 02-14-2008, 10:57 AM

I really like the story being told in this poem. And I absolutely ADORE the last stanza with the rhyme. Kind of "Poe-esque" if you ask me.

plaindealingvillain · 02-14-2008, 12:25 PM

thanks for the comments.

Eiji- i suppose the "heaviness" can't be helped too much because i write in a sort of stream of consciousness style and so normally attempt to crystallise a thought process. i guess this particular thought-process was fairly dark.

nia- thankyou. i haven't read much of poe's stuff, though i have intended to pick some up. could you reccomend any to start with?

nia mora · 02-14-2008, 03:14 PM

Well, all of his poems. But my favorite piece by him is actually a short story. Its called "The Cask of Amontillado"

Enjoy!

Pete_C · 02-15-2008, 05:47 AM

There is one problem with stream of consciousness work, and that is the pure self indulgence and conceit of it all. The thought that a writer can simply spew a chain of thoughts onto the page and that readers will lap it up shows a huge feeling of self-importance on behalf of the scribe, and a contempt for all that makes literature work.

Although literary historians will argue that this style (about the same sort of style as dirtying your trousers in my opinion) evolved from the Dada school, it reached prominence with the Beats - a bunch of poncing ne'er-do-wells whose father figure spent his life borrowing money and cigarettes, and then writing about it.

Now, there are some stream of consciousness works that read well, and there's a reason for that; the writer took many months to write them! It's all smoke and mirrors! Just as the best "improvised theatre" is scripted, so the best "stream of consciousness" works were toiled over. They really weren't that clever, thinking constantly with duality, clarity and wit. Sadly, the illusion meant no one was told.

The result is that many people today try to copy the work without doing all the secret writing and planning and editing. The result is things like this. It's a turgid read that goes nowhere. It includes some good phrases and moments of what us alcoholics call "clarity". However, it's only the start. You don't want to edit it because it's "stream of consciousness", and we don't really want to read it because it's dull.

People have made the point it's too long. I think it's a polite way of saying it's boring. It is too long - too long for itself, for the content that's in it. Make it engaging, clever, witty, interesting, and length becomes irrelevant.

plaindealingvillain · 02-16-2008, 04:20 AM

hi pete. thankyou for your comments.

i didn't mean that i wasn't going to edit it; it's just that i like to take time to consider the poem again before editing it.

i think often with soc stuff it helps greatly to write down exactly what you want first time, without thought for the composite parts, and then, objectively rather than subjectively, work on the poem's form, structure and use of vocabulary in a pragmatic way. although this seems clinical, as you described, i think it has the most positive outcome.

where would you suggest i start with changes then? i have read your other critiques of poems and some of your prose and i would really appreciate any input you could offer.

MisterJack · 02-16-2008, 07:34 AM

I really enjoy reading and writing long poems. One of my favourite poems is 'something for the touts, nuns, the grocery clerks and you...' by Bukowski. That's quite a long poem but it's engaging, intelligent.

an excerpt....

'days when children say funny and brilliant things
like savages trying to send a message through
their bodies while their bodies are still
alive enough to transmit and feel and run up
and down without locks and paychecks and
ideals and possessions and beetle-like
opinions'

There is so much more to that poem though and I would recommend it if you wish to write something long.

You could edit this, but I would just take the crux of it and write another piece to be honest. There are some great lines in it and some nice images, so you can utilise those. I fear that if you try to edit, you will possibly catch yourself out and end up getting too tangled.

Hope this helps

Jack

plaindealingvillain · 02-16-2008, 12:55 PM

thanks jack. i am indeed wary of changing anything in case it falls apart.

could you reccomend a bukowski collection to pick up to get me started? i've avoided him up until now mainly due to a lack of funds and because i've been bolstering my library with other poets but those lines up there are very witty and i reckon i'd quite like him.

MisterJack · 02-16-2008, 02:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by plaindealingvillain

thanks jack. i am indeed wary of changing anything in case it falls apart.

could you reccomend a bukowski collection to pick up to get me started? i've avoided him up until now mainly due to a lack of funds and because i've been bolstering my library with other poets but those lines up there are very witty and i reckon i'd quite like him.

no problem. That poem comes from the book 'burning in water, drowning in flame'.

Most of his collections have inspirational elements, so any collection's good reading.

hope this helps

Jack