vangoghsear

Extremely experimental piece for me. Stream of consciousness and unusual formatting.


Green Pudding Headache (and the Universe)

_____9______10__________11________12
1___My_____headaches___make_______a
2__whisper___for _________green______pudding
3___Is______-ever________that_______unusual ?
4__calling____the_________universe,___wondrous?
5__through___pain,________how_______marvelous?
6__nothing,___but_____presumptuous.___no?
7____just____green,_______not________green
8__pudding,__pudding _____just!________mush.

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If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Mirror

Ah, a shape poem. I take it, this refers to malleability and mundaneness of the universe. Could be captured in conventional verses, yet it is good to experiment.

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Selected poetry by Ariana Rink and John Williamson:

http://www.lulu.com/content/2956099

Baron

An interesting experiment. Read it like a crossword puzzle, three across two down. Adventurous, Van, and a fun read. How do you expect anyone to offer any real crit though?

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MisterJack

Interesting experiment Van. Quite tricky to pull off so it reads coherently both ways.
Fun title

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If it claims to be God, eat it.

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vangoghsear

Did you notice you can read each line sideways and down?

__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.

vangoghsear

I see you did. Good. You guys will find a way.

__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Mirror

I sure did - I initially wrote 'horizontal' verses but amended it to 'conventional', feeling it wouldn't be all-encompassing.

Nothing for me to critique.
I feel that considerable time and effort have been spent into crafting this piece to achieve congruence in both readings.

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Selected poetry by Ariana Rink and John Williamson:

http://www.lulu.com/content/2956099

vangoghsear

I thought so, but I just wanted to check. I had numbers shown to organize the read, but I turned them white to see if anyone could read it as is.

You picked up well on the mundane and malleability aspect. Thanks for your comments Mirror, always glad to read your take on my work.

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If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Baron

Like I said, a crossword puzzle.

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SadLuckDame

That was brilliant Van and very catchy to with green pudding, not one to forget. Kudos!

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Well, it was a nice check, Kitty, and really I might have won, if it hadn't been for that nasty Knight, that came wriggling down among my pieces. Kitty, dear, let's pretend -- -" And here I wish I could tell you half the things Alice used to say, beginning with her favorite phrase "Let's pretend."
written by Lewis Carroll

vangoghsear

Thanks Sad, I appreciate the comment.

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If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Pete_C

My friend has a sandwich shop. He makes sandwiches. You can change the fillings if you like. For example, you can have cheese, or cheese and onion, or cheese and pickle, or ham and cheese. You can eat them from the top or from the bottom, or you can even fold them up and start in the middle. He doesn't call them experimental, however, because he considers them to be standard fare.

At worst, this is a mess, and at best, it's a clumsy structure that kind of reads both ways, with the proviso that one poem is okay and the other is crap.

My brother wrote a similar type of thing called Opinions of Love, which was more random, but every single linear path gave a well written but different opinion on love and its meaning. If your poem had presented two very well crafted poems that complemented each other but differed, and both fitted the structure well, I would have taken my hat off to you. However, in all honesty, all I see is a standard sandwich, with bites taken out of each end.

Baron

Somepme's taken the challenge and found a way to crit it

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vangoghsear

Like I said, it was experimental for me. Part of the experiment was creating readable lines in both directions, the other was interspersing strange thoughts (the stream of consciousness). Actually, that is what I originally was aiming at. Interspersing gibberish with poetry at set intervals.

Thanks for reading and for your comments. Sorry it doesn't work for you.

Haven't seen much of you here lately. Hope all is well.

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If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Mermaid on the breakwater

I was scratching my head, van, and wondering how green pudding is like the universe but in the end, I just decided that green pudding sounds really sick and had a Homer Simpson moment - your avatar didn't help.

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Ambiance Artists Anthology: http://www.lulu.com/content/2293077