dannyboy

A passing moment

On your bike, white uniform immune
to the blood-red dust of the road.

Mountains crowd to retain secrets
spinning beneath your wheels.

Sounds from a wooden clacker
swell, warn of your approach.

The world balanced
between your thighs.

Flowing black hair discovers
freedom despite the binds.

Created in my heart, a place
permanent as the mountains you ride towards.

Baron

Don't want to rock your boat dannyboy but I prefer the first draft on this one. This edit doesn't foster the same images, it seems to have lost something ofthe vibrancy.

__________________

dannyboy

no rocking I'm just playing around.

MisterJack

I can see what you're trying to do, but i think you've lost that essence that you had in the original. The beauty, for me at least, of the original was that it really reflected a moment. A snapshot of a scene which obviously touched you, and that was what prevailed for me. This re-write has lost that moment.

Sorry db. Have to be honest

jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

--------------

vangoghsear

I appreciate the attempt here.

I was wondering, did you hear the rider approaching first, or see them? Moving the clacker line forward and maybe an image to describe the unusual wooden sound before the introduction of the rider could add an air of mystery.

I agree with MrJ and Baron that the captured 'moment' element is diminished in this version.

I think you've made the images 'harder' when you made them more descriptive (words like uniform, mountains, binds) which took away from the ethereal simplicity of the softer descriptions (glowing, clouds, hat). I liked the soft ethereal nature of the first version, I thought some soft metaphors to further the images would be nice (a metaphor to elaborate on "glowing white", for instance, something like "a sunlit linen sail glowing white against a storm wracked sky"). Heck what do I know. Lots of people liked the first version. And it definitely did capture a moment.

__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.

apple

I also liked the first version better. It did have a very solid more earthy impact. Bring it back, witch and all.

dannyboy

thanks all and yes it is interesting how the essence was lost. I was aware this version lacked a spark. I think this can die now...

Baron

A wake should be a joyous occasion. I still like the original.

__________________

FollowingShadow

That makes me the minority. I like this one better.