JessicaVendetta

Jessica's got a new baby blanket,
she rubs it all day long.
Caressed pink edge
along the line of a palm,
smoke wisped rooms,
thighs seen at eye level.
She rubs until tickling friction
pulls the blanket apart.

Grandpa sews it back together, again and again.

Jessica's got a new step daddy
she hides from all day long.
Propped pages against a pillow,
creased spines in a row,
ribs seen at eye level.
Reading until the ink of her trapdoors
are all memorized.

People buy her new books, again and again.

Jessica's got a new memory now,
she denies all day long.
Ax's in the trunk, gloves
and garbage bags in her lap.
Sunlight blossoms through treetops,
isolated threat,
eyes seen at eye level.
Now she knows what happens
when little girls play adult games.

Daddy saves the day, again and again.

Jessica's got a new disease
she festers in all day long.
Tight grips around a body,
distortion of self-control.
Skin raw against a frame,
sky seen at no level.
She refrains from her security
until pulses slacken with struggle.

Jessica must find herself, again and again.


***A rather basic piece I wrote, one of the few things I have ever written that follows a structure, however unorganized.

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There is no place I can go, there is no place I can hide. It feels like it keeps coming from the inside.

Mirror

Not disjointed at all. Seemingly disparate elements entwine to create a raw and disheveled panorama. It teeters on angst at various points, yet manages to maintain a semi-neutral tone by introducing elements outside the SELF (third stanza in particular.)

You do need to work on enjambment a little more, however.

Omit filler words, as well. For instance:

along the line of a palm, (palm line)

Also, I encounter the pronoun 'her' quite often. You might want to remove it down, when unnecessary.

One more nit:

She reads
until the ink of her trapdoors
have all been memorized.

(Subject-verb disagreement.)

As I said earlier, I truly enjoyed this poem. Quite photographic.

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Where the barmen have their names etched in salt; earthy and honest like their fathers. -- MisterJack

Baron

I can't really add anything to what Mirror has already said. I think that you should trim and tidy this because it's worth it. In regard to enjambment, try reading it aloud and writing the line breaks where you naturally want to pause or give emphasis.

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JessicaVendetta

Thank you both for taking the time and for the advice
I will keep what you've said in mind when I do a re-write, thank you!

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There is no place I can go, there is no place I can hide. It feels like it keeps coming from the inside.

vangoghsear

I like this. The structure works well. Intriguing imagery.

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If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.

SadLuckDame

This is a very sad tale. Great imagery, raw, and tugs on the emotions. Nicely done! This "sow" needs to be changed to "sew". Not sure spell checker will pick up on it.

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Well, it was a nice check, Kitty, and really I might have won, if it hadn't been for that nasty Knight, that came wriggling down among my pieces. Kitty, dear, let's pretend -- -" And here I wish I could tell you half the things Alice used to say, beginning with her favorite phrase "Let's pretend."
written by Lewis Carroll

MisterJack

This is a good read. The enjambment is an issue I would agree with but on the whole, well constructed. So what if it's simple, it works.

Jack

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If it claims to be God, eat it.

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JessicaVendetta

Vangoghsear, MisterJack, thank you for reading and the crit. It is appreciated very much

"This is a very sad tale."
very true, SadLuckDame. I find myself trying to turn rather morbid memories into something more stoic, more thoughtful than pain-ridden. I appreciate the comment

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There is no place I can go, there is no place I can hide. It feels like it keeps coming from the inside.

JessicaVendetta

I have done a small edit, corrected the spelling, tried to sort out some of the enjambment and took out the repeatative 'her' and 'she' phrases. Does it read any smoother or are there still flow issues?
Look forward to any further comments, and thank you everyone who has commented thus far. I feel the support like the warming streams of the sun

__________________
There is no place I can go, there is no place I can hide. It feels like it keeps coming from the inside.

Baron

This has evolved well, in my opinion. A good read and avoiding the angst trap well.

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For me with Squalor

I haven't read the first edition, but this one is really good. To me it flowed well.
I like the answering/filling lines in between stanzas, they give it a nice plus.
And some great images here, I really liked S3 it reminded me of the Series Dexter(which I adore) for a moment

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